Posted by : Muzaffar Saturday, September 28, 2013

To be honest, I never really wanted to write this blog post. But I guess since the month of September is coming to an end soon, I probably got a few more days left to make it count. Also I promised myself to actually do this since last month actually, so I guess I can't back down now that I'm already writing this. Also some might notice this is an "alternate version" of what is basically the same topic and blog title. But I have my reasons why I didn't post the original one up, all will be explained towards the end of this post.

So... what is September Syndrome then? Well... it could probably be about the stock exchange or even about the Usenet phenomenon. But as much as those two topics are related to this blog title, this isn't practically what I wanted to talk about. Nope, this is a more personal September Syndrome. This is probably just me having to deal with the hardship that I had to deal with for over the past month. Sometimes I just wish I slept at the end of August and never wake up until October actually arrives...

But here I am, still awake near towards the end on September having to deal with all the bullsh*t that life throws at me. It has been pretty much a struggle getting my life back together after the relationship fallen apart near the end of August, but at least I somewhat made it. Sure... my life is as messed up as it was back in February, but its only worse now since I'm short on cash and I still have yet to found a job after I quit working at the pub as a DJ. Sometimes I do wonder what if I didn't quit the job and continued working, but then again... I probably won't be here blogging either.

If anyone wondered... what kinda happened after I broke up anyhow? Well, apart from my life being reset to zero again I guess I haven't been doing much to move on, but instead just doing random stuff of interest to pass the time away. Hanging out with family and friends, helping out my mom (mostly), ride bmx and just going online and also occasionally playing video games. Was mostly interested in playing GT5, but there was a week when I played nothing but Valkyria Chronicles from morning to morning for 5-6 days straight haha! After I finished the game which I held back for so long, it was kinda satisfying feeling to help get myself back together. Now I wonder what game I should be playing next. I know GTA V is out now and I do feel like I wanna get one, but I think I might try playing (and finish) GTA IV and Red Dead Redemption on my Xbox 360 first. I've abandoned those games for way too long as well, and I really don't wanna bother with real life and just wanna escape reality, no?

Also besides that, I kinda tried getting a job again after trying to put off for so long. But sadly I never had any luck landing a job yet. So far I already send my resume to several car companies around Glenmarie in Shah Alam, but out of all the places I tried applying I only got 2 responds from there. One was Peugeot which also did an open interview day (when I actually arrived there were already 55 other people who actually was applying a job there too!) on Sunday (which also clashes with a certain someone's birthday party, as well as my brother's birthday) and well, I guess it went okay. Although I did kinda screw up the entire plan that day (especially regarding that one person's birthday party, but she didn't seem to care about me at the time that is a given) but at least I somewhat survive the whole ordeal. Then there was the interview with BMW the following day and well... it was quite an eye opener. After having a lengthy talk with the head of aftersales, he kinda told me to go and chase my dreams instead of applying work there and maybe not handle the pressure of being a technician. Although I do get what he was saying, but since I'm kinda short on cash and support from anyone I was hoping I could at least work and earn the money and miraculously get myself into some sort of racing program. Either way, both companies told me I might get a call within next week or so for a second interview. However if I don't get a reply within the following week I guess I'll try applying elsewhere, heck I might even have to settle working with some smaller workshop in Sunway if I have to. Sure for my qualification I should be getting more pay or whatever, but since its not getting me anywhere I guess I should just apply anywhere where they can accept me and just have to deal with the shitty pay and long working hours. I need to sacrifice myself and my time anyhow, I've been living my life as a NEET for way too long...

Apart from the interviews, another sort of good news was I managed to pass my Japanese level 2 a few weeks back. (some might have noticed it on FB, Instagram and/or Twitter) Since I managed to passed I was thinking if I should continue or probably hold back until I could get a job first, but seems like my parents were keen on seeing me continue and so... with my parent's blessing (and their money) I decided to continue my Japanese class and just last Monday I started my level 3. There were also 2 other classmates that managed to pass so at least I'm not alone in the class with my sensei, haha. At least with this, I can somewhat still have some hope of moving to Japan even though financially wise right now its not really possible. But I think judging from my first class its not gonna be easy. Definitely more difficult than my previous 2 levels. On the upside, if I do managed to master my Japanese within the next year or 2, I can really open up the possibilities of living in Japan as a student (actually I do plan on continuing my studies, but as I'm financially not able to I wanted to work first and build up my experience here before moving there and maybe get a degree or master... if the need arises that is) or even get a job in the automotive industry there. (pretty sure its a lot better compared to here in Malaysia) All things aside, I should not get too carried away on my future and just focus on the present for now. Try my best to get a job somewhere and also do my best to cope up with my Japanese classes.

While the previous 2-3 paragraphs kinda doesn't really seem like I'm sad or unhappy, but as I said... its only for me to past the time. Happiness doesn't really last long in reality, and I can easily just get depressed over something within seconds or minutes after that something happen, and here I go now blabbering about my emo sh*t lol. While it might only been a month, many things did kinda happen to both of us know? I don't know much about her side of the story, but judging from the way she tweets and posts on FB she does seem to do a lot better than me in a way. In a way I do feel kinda glad she is doing a lot better than me, and at least she does seem like she has a sense of purpose in life now. Someone like me will just drag her down and stop her from doing what she really wants to do anyhow, and despite her parents still being the same at least there isn't much drama (as I noticed anyhow) as when I was with her during the past 6 or so months when we were together.

Maybe I'm just a nuisance to her after all? I guess after I did block her on FB/Twitter things started to turn bad between us, and seems like even when I did unblock her things only got worse each time we talked. I don't really know why, but I practically always end up being in an argument with her whenever we talked be it in person, on FB/Twitter or even sms so I guess I kinda gotten the cold shoulder since she started ignoring me some 1-2 weeks ago. Its kinda understandable really, as I don't really wanna talk to her right now either for fear of upsetting her even more. Despite some of the stuff she posts or chat with that certain someone who she loves to be with ever since we broke up pisses me off a lot, but its her choice really and maybe I should try to be more understanding. (I'm kinda bad dealing these kind of things, and I still regard this as my first ever break-up so I can't really tell myself what to do here) Anyhow, its gonna take me a really long time to get over this feeling and I hope with all the stuff I need to focus on now I can get my mind off this whole bullsh*t and get my normal life back together. Also I hope its the same with you too, and with your SPM just around the corner I do hope you don't have other people distracting you. (I clearly am trying my best to do that anyhow, just so you might know)

In the end, it doesn't matter what you wanna say about me or if you wanna erase me from your memories. Do keep in mind that I will never forget you or the times that we were together, but I think I'm losing hope of being with you again as the days, weeks and months passing by. At least you seem happy being with someone else at the moment (even though you kept saying he is just a friend), and you already have plenty of friends both online and in real life to be with so I have less reasons to worry about you. As for me, I'm just gonna stay single for as long as I can and keep chasing my dreams and goals. Also I do have my own family and friends to be there with me, so its not like its gonna be the end of the world for me. (not yet anyhow) I'm not really sure if we'll be able to meet again, and even if we do meet up again I really am not sure how the situation is gonna be then. Will you already be with someone else by then? Will you be come running back to me? Whatever the situation is, I hope neither of us have any bad feelings regarding each other when we do see each other again. Sure I might have caused a lot of problems for you and also some of your friends, and I really do apologize for all the misunderstandings and wrong doings I've done to you and your family and friends. Not sure if you ever regretted being with me, but I sure don't and in fact, I feel really bad for mistreating you during some of those times that we were together. Its gonna be difficult to find someone else to replace you after this, but I'm gonna be pretty damn sure you will be the last Malay girl I'll ever be with if I have to move on. (yes, there might be a small possibility that I might end up with another Malay but I think I already clearly set my mind that I don't wanna be with another Malay after this. Only if a few certain conditions needs to be fulfilled before I can even consider, and even then... its a small likely chance I'll accept her)

Relationships can be tough I guess, but this is all a part and parcel of life for everyone. Sure some might live their lives much easier than others, but at least I did learn a lot along the way that might help be become a better person. Hopefully I can continue on after this and set my priorities on what I really wanna do. So far my short term goal is definitely landing myself a job, lose more weight and try to get myself fit and get better in bmx as well. There might also be a few other smaller short-term goals in mind, but I don't think its worth mentioning here just yet. Oh, and before I end this post soon I'm kinda sure some of you might wanna know why this is an "alternate version" and not the original. The reason why I kept the original post and not post it up is because I just have too much "hate" written in the post and I think it will make the situation look a lot worse than it is now. Not really sure if I'm gonna post it elsewhere or just keep it in my computer, but lets just say that some things are better left unsaid. =)

Anyhow, thanks for reading everyone. It might just be a repeat of some of my previous blog posts but its still no less a blog post regarding my interestingly mundane life. On the bright side at least September is coming to and end soon and I can definitely look forward to next month. With just a quarter of 2013 left many good things can come my way and I will definitely be focused on getting some things done in the next few months! Just gonna end this post here with this video here. It doesn't really mean anything now, but I guess its a bittersweet way to end this post.

One Response so far.

  1. Anonymous says:

    hi it's vien here. sorry for spamming an old blogpost.

    i haven't been updated with the lives of my twitter friends, since I've been busy with my doujin. It's only after CF that I found out that she is actually dating the person who you suspected as "girlfriend stealer". Now this somehow disgusted me. I told you I didn't take sides but now I feel sorry about what had happened, I feel like it was a mistake to defend that guy.

    In CF you three seem to be okay which each other so I nothing crossed my mind until i saw them being a bit 'too close'. And I was wondering how you felt about that.

    But what I want to say is that, although I don't really hate her, I just don't think she's the one for you. You seem to be the serious type when it comes to commitment, but I can tell that she is not (just based on my observation, not that I know her well). I don't think she'll last long with that guy either. So there's really no hope for the both of you to get back together. I hope you're not offended but I'm glad the both of you broke up, cos Muz, I really think you deserve better.

    For me, a girl who's serious about love and relationship won't easily switch from one man to another in a short time (and vice versa). So yeah if she easily 'moved on' to another guy just like that then I don't think she's the right one for you (imho "moving on" doesn't mean you have to find a new gf/bf, it really means letting go of the past)

    keep your chin up, muz!

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