I don't really feel like writing this post actually, but somehow I think writing this on Facebook and/or Twitter won't justify what I wanna say after this. So yeah, I just got my salary for this month and also thankful that my BR1M (short for "Bantuan Rakyat 1Malaysia", or "1Malaysia People Aids") which the government suppose to help the people by giving them financial "support" so do speak. (the terms and condition for getting the financial support differs from each person depending on status, job salary, etc. but I won't go into too much detail regarding this. So you just have to Google it if you wanna know more) But even with this, I just somehow feel kinda disappointed I'm still not earning enough to cope with my spending. (or well, plans as I'll explain later in this post)

I'm going to be 23 this year, and with my current job as a mechanic I've already been working for 5 months by the end of this February. (which is honestly, much much longer than my 2 previous jobs which I barely last more than 2 months!) I really don't wanna compare with my other more "successful" friends out there, but comparing how much more successful they are, I just wonder where in life did I go wrong? I know I already graduated from my college over 2 years ago and suppose to have a more successful job with my qualification, and yet because I choose to do something "different" for 1 year and ended up not being happy with my alternative jobs I somehow ended up wasting that 1 year doing nothing. Maybe that is what I did wrong all along, but I was probably too blind to realize it back then... (that and maybe I just have bad luck, lol) Then again, maybe if I never got those 2 jobs I probably won't even know what its like to have "other" jobs besides being involved with cars like I do now. Who knows? Maybe (just maybe) I have to be a little more patient for things to work out. Somehow I always regard myself as a "late bloomer" when it comes to doing everything, and some stuff in my life are just that.

Anyway, I don't really wanna blabber about my life stories again and really wanna express more about my financial situation here. At my current rare, I'm roughly earning (less) than RM1k per month with my current job (actually I was suppose to get a new contract with my current job as my working probation actually ended last December, just that my boss forgot about it for 2 months straight! However I doubt I could get a raise just yet. Then again... only god knows if I do get a raise or if my salary remains the same) and with my daily expenditure on food, transport (well, glad my mom still helps with my petrol from time to time) and also the occasional "spending on useless stuff" which I have no idea why I still do, I might have roughly RM600-700 saved before my next paycheck arrives. (also my parents still to give me an "allowance" just to keep myself floating somewhat, yeah... I'm lucky my parents still can support me lol! I know, I know, its kinda bad having to rely on my parents at this age and with a job!) Currently I have roughly less than RM2k in my bank (still haven't banked in my salary yet, but probably will do soon) with that money going to be used next month to buy myself a plane ticket to Japan in December, and I still have roughly no idea how much the plane ticket will be or how long I want to stay there. (because now I wanna stay there for 3 weeks instead of 2 to catch both Comiket & Tokyo Auto Salon as well as spend more time exploring Japan during that time, haha!) I know I have a short time to decide this because for one... this promotion is happening and is gonna end within a few days, or take a gamble and go to MATTA Fair and hope they sell "cheap" flight tickets there too! Argh... life can be unfair at times lol.

Then there is also the issue with my car, since well... I wanna do up my car this year too lol.I have so many plans to do to my car actually (and already did some actually, more on that maybe sometime next month) which include getting new suspension, wheels, tires and also do back my car's bodywork a bit. Yeah... this is probably which is gonna deplete my budget to Japan a lot actually lol, But yeah, so many plans and yet... so little money. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I'm really cutting down on my other activities this year. I can probably say goodbye to my cosplay plans, my computer and probably what other plans I had regarding my expenses for that matter! *sigh* I don't know, I just have too many things to think right now. But whatever it is, I just hope I can save up enough money from work this year (that is, if I'm still working until the end of the year) and save up fro Japan and my car for that matter! Anyhow, I'll try to touch up on this post again soon hopefully. Just got sidetrack by my stupid post on FB lulz.

or 2014 if you don't understand Japanese lol. Anyhow, I know I didn't really posted anything for the past 2 months nor do I even wanna do a re-cap of 2013 (I guess I could do a bit, but probably not gonna be really as detailed as I wanted) but yeah, just wanna say a (belated) Happy New Year (and Lunar New Year as it has passed roughly a week ago) to all my blog readers and whatnot. Still kinda surprised I still get views even though I do almost absolutely nothing to this blog, hahaha...

Okay... so I've just been busy with my real life I guess. Can't really say how "busy" I'm actually am (probably could say I'm just lazy at times) but with work being work, and having so many friends and such, I do rarely stay home like how I did last time. Also I'm still amazed at how time just flies when your pretty much standing still. Before I know it, Comic Fiesta was done and dusted, New Year passed in a flash and the Lunar New Year ended in an instance, not to mention boundless of things happening in between! But yeah, time can be both a blessing and a curse. Too fast for you to enjoy doing what you like, too slow for things to happen. Such is the wonders of life huh? =P

2013 has been a good year to me, and kinda glad I managed to do a lot of things during that year. Although there were some ups and downs throughout that year, but towards the end of 2013 I finally managed to do a lot of things that I set my goals on for that particular year. Managed to lose weight, start riding bmx again, and also got a more comfortable (and more realistic) job! Yeah, its pretty hard to top 2013 as one of the best years of my life, but somehow I get the feeling that this year will be even better. All the better when I have some goals to achieve this year. Although some goals might be harder to achieve than others, at least its better to have a target than to have nothing at all to do.

• Go To Japan
although probably one of the most random and unexpected of plans to do for this year, but after having discussed with several friends (and also seeing some of my other friends enjoying their trip to Japan) I really need to go there. Its probably now or never... xD (the thing is, I'm still planning everything there is to do there even as you read this post but regardless of budget or condition I'm still going!)

• Lose (even more) weight!
yeah, that's right! Even if I did manage to lose 20kgs last year (from 105kg to 85kg) I still think I need to lose a bit more. Although my target for last year was actually 80kg (missed it by 5 kilos, haha), for this year however I wanna take it up a notch and try to reach 70 kilos! Not sure if its even possible as I can't lose any more weight when I was still on my "keto" diet and daily exercises (and even tried slimming pills for that matter) but ever since I started working I had to stop my diet and heck... even starting back my old habit of eating a lot is coming back. (some habits refuse to die, know?) But regardless, I'll see what I can do to lose more weight. Of course, surgery is definitely out of the question but I may start dieting again once it is time.

• Mod up my car (even more)
yeah... its one thing that I neglected to do ever since I owned Kuro Tenshi, (yes, I gave my car a name lol) but since my car will almost be 5 years old (of ownership that is) I thought I should treat my car something special before its birthday (or well, the day since ownership that is lol) with some plans I had in mind. I won't really discussed it here on this post, but I'll update about it on my FB or Twitter regularly so you can find out more there.

• Improve my Japanese language
I know some might not have known this, but I actually have studied Japanese for over a year now! Yeah, kinda surprising how I always wanted to learn the Japanese language years ago and here I am now actually learning it and can even converse in Japanese (albeit, still nowhere near as good) with actual Japanese people! Haha... its funny thinking about how I first started the class and pretty much know a lot about the language compared to the others that were in the classroom! But yeah, I really should thank my brother for enrolling me to this class in the first place (for more info, you can check the place out here) and also my parents for supporting me both financially and mentally. I might not be the best student in class, but I'll try my best to make use of this language when I go to Japan at the end of this year... as well as when I "might" move to Japan there someday. =)

• Getting better at riding BMX
Although its not necessarily a goal, but its just something that I wanna improve at. I know I have stopped riding for several years during my high school days (no thanks to that certain thief, or whoever it was that stole my bike!) however since I started riding again towards the end of June last year, I'm actually doing pretty well (by my standards I guess, lol) and even did far better than I did when I first started! Also made quite a lot of new friends in the BMX community (as if I already had enough friends in the other communities) and getting fit in a way. Sadly I can't stay fully committed to riding like how one of my school friend did (he is now actually considered a "pro" in the local BMX scene) but at least my passion is still there... somewhat. I don't know if I'll ever be as good as him, but the least I could do is ride along with him and enjoy the experience. Although with that said, I really need to look out for myself and not get injured too much. >_< (already had a few scars, and now my knees are acting up)

Yeah... just "some" of the goals I made for myself this year. I might have more goals in mind however I don't think its all that important (or realistically achievable for that matter). Also if you might noticed I kinda slowed down on my whole "DJ" career thing as I don't think DJing will work out for me here in Malaysia. That and well... a lot of my equipments and music are pretty much gone. (laptop is giving problems and my iPod is dead, so I pretty much lost a lot of music) I do plan on restarting again someday (and might even dab into producing and also restarting my netlabel) but for now, I have other more important stuff to concentrate on. With that said, I'll try to record some mixes for some small(er) online events if I can, but sadly I kinda strayed away from the J-Core scene a bit. (yeah, I guess I should be ashamed of myself but I have way too many interest, and my interest in music is just as varied. So don't judge me!)

Also I might slow down my cosplays a bit as well since it really has eaten up my budget last year and its not really a worthwhile hobby. (to be honest, its just too expensive and pointless lol) I had so many plans to cosplay a lot of characters this year, but seeing with my job not paying me enough to break even as well as my 2 other main objectives (Japan & my car) I might not be all that active in the ACG scene this year. (well, I wasn't really all that active last year either honestly, only made 2 costumes just for CF!) Maybe I'll still cosplay at certain events as the same characters I already cosplayed (or borrow costumes from friends or whatnot) but since I'm also working on Saturdays I might miss out on a lot of events too this year. Meh... I think cosplay is the least of my worries, and as the days and month passes I could plan it out somehow.

and so... with all that said, thanks for reading my blog once again and I'll try my best to update the blog (somehow one way or the other) even with my busy work schedule and social life. Enjoy the rest of 2014 and do keep set your sights on your goal regardless how stupid or impossible it may seem. I didn't give up on my dreams either, and despite growing older every year... I do end up being more wiser as well. (okay, that statement was total bullsh*t) Either way, goals or no goals... life is still worth living. Whether you had a good or terrible start to the year, its not all that important. The important thing is to keep moving and treat the next day even better than the day before! (well, its only a phrase. I know I had some "off" days too but after a while I'll tend to look at it positively) Anyway, I think I have written enough for today. I might have missed out on some things (that and/or I can't be bothered, whatever) to talk about, but at least I finally got to finish this blog post! (actually I planned to write this around New Year/January but I never found the time and/or can't be bothered up until now) Haha... yeah, so typically me. =P

P.S. I actually did plan to write another blog post and make it more personal, but let's just say I totally gave up on that. I don't know whether you are reading this or not, but if you do... I wish you all the best in your life as well. I know both of us have our on separate lives and interests, and even if we still do hate each other... I just wanna let you know that its totally over. I'll forgive and forget whatever you did and likewise I hope you do the same too. I ain't gonna bother you anymore if that is what you want, and hope you are happy with whatever it is that you wanna do. I might still be a bit jealous, but you know what? It doesn't really matter anymore, I'll find someone better... and I'll try to make my sh*tty life more worthwhile than it is now, so we'll see who gets the last laugh aite? =)

Sorry for the lack of updates in the past month, just been busy with work, Grand Theft Auto V (that I borrowed from my friend), riding BMX and also many other things in between. That and I can't be all that bothered to blog all that much. I won't go into too much details about the past events in November, but I guess this was one of the more sad things regarding the end of November. (there are obviously more sad news at the end of last month, and also my own unfortunate events) In short, I'm just kinda lost for words regarding last month! But enough about me blabbering, I'm just posting this to reflect upon this one "maid" cafe which I loved to go ever since I first knew about it several years ago...

Well... what can I say, I just love this place. I know the whole concept about "maid cafes" in Japan for quite a while now (all thanks to sites like Sankaku Complex as well as the internet itself and social medias) but when I first heard an actual maid cafe opening in Malaysia, I just know I have to go there lol. (I know there are other maid cafes prior to Tenshi as well, but none of those are actually "halal" or is even half as authentic as this one) At first I was a bit curious by the whole "otaku" subculture of visiting maid cafes, but after my first visit (several months after it first opened) I was totally hooked and just can't stop going there ever since. Of course, it wasn't really that near (but for a 1/2 hour drive its not bad than say... in another state!!) and it wasn't cheap either (I never minded the price, but the food portion leave a lot to be desired), but somehow... the atmosphere, and the staff (or maids as you would call them) just makes me happy being there lol. Even if I don't usually eat there all the time, I do try my best to drop by and say hi if I'm around the area.

Made a lot of friends, made even more memories there, but most of all... a part of me is there somewhere in that place. Might not have visit the place as often as I did when it first opened, but I still tried my best to visit when they were making events or if there are any gatherings there with my friends. Its kinda difficult to find a cafe/restaurant that would be this comfortable to do all these activities, let alone having that environment and people around you that makes you feel like yourself. Yeah... really gonna miss this place. Although they did say they plan to re-open sometime next year, but I doubt its gonna be the same. (unless they plan to renovate and re-open at the same place, but by then things just won't be the same in my opinion) Whatever it is, thank you Tehshi no Cafe for existing and thanks to all the staff working there that made the place possible. I'm sure I'm not the only one who is gonna miss this place... =(

Oh, and I also took some pictures while I was there when they were open for the last day. Last Day @ Tenshi If anything, be sure to check out their Facebook page too! Tenshi no Café

Sorry for the lack of updates here, I guess I've been kinda busy this month as I finally started working after over 8 months since I quit my last job! As some might have notice me on Facebook and Twitter, I've been doing a lot better during this month compared to the previous few months before, I could probably say this has been by far the best month for me for 2013 so far! Okay, well not exactly that for sure but its been one of the better months I had this year. Anyhow, I probably won't be rambling much here either since I don't really know what to talk about (well not really know, but its like I totally forgot what to write by the time I was free to write this) but I'll try to write something related to the blog title...

But before I go onto that topic I guess I should probably tell how my October was so far. After months of looking for work at many places, during that first week of October I got a message on Facebook saying that this one company was looking for workers at their workshop, and since I was looking for a job in the automotive industry I didn't even have any second thoughts and tried to apply and see what happens. Funny thing is, I actually knew the workshop and even the owner! (it was a few shops away from my previous workshop that I trained in 2011) But yeah, after having a short talk and discussing regarding the job, I started working the week after. So on the 7th of October I was no longer a NEET and once again I am working. Unlike my 2 other previous jobs this was the one that I already had some previous experience with and its pretty much why I went to college for. Even though I haven't worked on cars for quite a while, but on that week or 2 I pretty much got used to it already. Oh yeah, the name of the place I'm working for is called Kaitenaz Racing and its somewhere in Sunway. Its pretty near my house (although I still have to drive to work, but its only roughly a 5 minute drive from my house) and well, I just feel comfortable working there for some reason. Even if its been 3 years since I last worked around there, and even with many things changing since my training... some things still do indeed stay the same. I don't know why, but I just feel like I belong there for some reason, haha...

Anyhow, I don't wanna jinx this job or anything but hopefully I'll last a bit longer with my current line of work. I seriously need the money and experience, but most of all, I just wanna get my life back together somewhat. Which I guess is now a good time to divert your attention to the title of this blog post. So yeah... why am I "stuck in the mean time" then? Its not exactly a metaphor, however its something which has been bugging me ever since I wrote this blog post here. While writing that I did ponder what my life would be if I just went back in time and decided to do things differently back then. What if some of the things that happen in my life... didn't happen at all? But as much as I like to turn back time, its just not humanly possible... heck, it goes against everything about life itself! However, that doesn't mean you can't do all the things in the present like you did back then. As I'm trying to put back together the missing jigsaw puzzle in my life, I'm also starting back to rediscover myself in a way. The things that would make me happy like it was before and extinguish some of my darker times during the past months and years.

I started riding BMX again a few months ago after some random encounters and that urge to do something which I had promised to do for so long (especially after I got my bike stolen when I was still in secondary school) and now that I also got a job as a mechanic around the Sunway workshops my life is slowly coming back together again and hopefully I can move a bit more into that uncertain future of mine. Yes these two things are an important keys to the missing jigsaw puzzle of my life, but puzzle isn't necessarily completed yet. I still have many lingering questions left to answer, and having to settle some other stuff for this year such as my cosplay, DJing, video games and whatnot. (haha, its tough having so many hobbies...) But yeah... I have rekindled one of my old favorite pastimes, I have a job again which its something close to my heart, and I also lost some weight! (went from 105kg to around 85kg currently within 2 months, how is that for a miracle?) Yeah, even with October coming to and end soon I still am looking forward to the next 2 months before the year is over. Hopefully work won't be too stressful and that I can improve and learn even more than what I can do right now, and I can also get some things done before the end of the year... =)

Aaaaaaand I'm just gonna leave this here to end my blog post. I just can't believe they are coming to Malaysia after all these years. Ever since I heard the news that Mew are coming to KL I didn't even gave any second thoughts and got myself a ticket to their gig. Been a fan of them for so long, and to finally see them is almost like a dream come true. I'm definitely gonna cherish every moment that I get to see them perform live this Halloween... =)

These are essentially 2 songs combined into 1, with one playing in normal while another song is played in reverse. As quoted by Bo (or Silas, can't remember lol) "its like going forwards and backwards at the same time" which precisely sums up my life right now.

Finally September is coming to an end. It might have been a long wait, but I guess with all the ups and downs I had to deal with this month, I can finally put it all behind me and concentrate on the next 3 months. October couldn't come any sooner, and November & December are the months that are really important to me to pull everything through. Hopefully I can get a job within the next 2 weeks, otherwise I might be in deep sh*t both financially and planning wise as well. I practically need enough money to scrape my cosplay stuff for Comic Fiesta, and right now I only have enough budget to do 1 costume. However I'll try my best to pull off all the stops and get 2 costumes done in time. Also there is also some other stuff I need to pay up for as well other expenditures so a job is really much needed now, probably more than ever!

Anyhow, I don't wanna rant too much on this post so I guess I'll just keep things short and sweet. Right now I guess I should put the relationship sh*t behind me and just focus on being myself and concentrate on getting a job, as well as my ongoing goal of becoming better at BMX and also lose even more weight than I already have. (losing 15kgs in a month is quite something ya know?) Plus with the cosplay stuff to deal with within November and December I guess I might have my hands busy juggling many things. Work (if I do land a job somewhere), studying Japanese, riding BMX, cosplay, and whatever stuff I will get myself into throughout the remaining part of 2013. At least no one can complain about my life being dull anymore after this...

Also while doing this blog post I managed to found a band called "End Of September" which I have no idea it existed until now. Currently giving them a listen on Spotify and well, its not too bad I guess. Kinda reminds me of Evanescence & Eyes Set To Kill a bit, but its nowhere near hardcore metal stuff with all the growls and sh*t. But its kinda cool listening to something new from time to time... (as if having over 7000 artists/bands to listen to isn't enough!) Here is probably one of their hit songs on Youtube, and you go and decide if its worth listening to or not.

Oh, and I think I'll end this post with this. After riding for the past 2-3 months I finally decided to do something more drastic on my BMX bike and finally replaced the heavy Sunday Bikes hi-ten steel handlebar and fork for these more lightweight and stronger full chromoly Impurity Bike Co parts. I haven't really get to test and abuse them just yet, but I'll find out later tonight if they are worth it. They do make my bike lighter yes, but it also made my wallet lighter as well... xD

To be honest, I never really wanted to write this blog post. But I guess since the month of September is coming to an end soon, I probably got a few more days left to make it count. Also I promised myself to actually do this since last month actually, so I guess I can't back down now that I'm already writing this. Also some might notice this is an "alternate version" of what is basically the same topic and blog title. But I have my reasons why I didn't post the original one up, all will be explained towards the end of this post.

So... what is September Syndrome then? Well... it could probably be about the stock exchange or even about the Usenet phenomenon. But as much as those two topics are related to this blog title, this isn't practically what I wanted to talk about. Nope, this is a more personal September Syndrome. This is probably just me having to deal with the hardship that I had to deal with for over the past month. Sometimes I just wish I slept at the end of August and never wake up until October actually arrives...

But here I am, still awake near towards the end on September having to deal with all the bullsh*t that life throws at me. It has been pretty much a struggle getting my life back together after the relationship fallen apart near the end of August, but at least I somewhat made it. Sure... my life is as messed up as it was back in February, but its only worse now since I'm short on cash and I still have yet to found a job after I quit working at the pub as a DJ. Sometimes I do wonder what if I didn't quit the job and continued working, but then again... I probably won't be here blogging either.

If anyone wondered... what kinda happened after I broke up anyhow? Well, apart from my life being reset to zero again I guess I haven't been doing much to move on, but instead just doing random stuff of interest to pass the time away. Hanging out with family and friends, helping out my mom (mostly), ride bmx and just going online and also occasionally playing video games. Was mostly interested in playing GT5, but there was a week when I played nothing but Valkyria Chronicles from morning to morning for 5-6 days straight haha! After I finished the game which I held back for so long, it was kinda satisfying feeling to help get myself back together. Now I wonder what game I should be playing next. I know GTA V is out now and I do feel like I wanna get one, but I think I might try playing (and finish) GTA IV and Red Dead Redemption on my Xbox 360 first. I've abandoned those games for way too long as well, and I really don't wanna bother with real life and just wanna escape reality, no?

Also besides that, I kinda tried getting a job again after trying to put off for so long. But sadly I never had any luck landing a job yet. So far I already send my resume to several car companies around Glenmarie in Shah Alam, but out of all the places I tried applying I only got 2 responds from there. One was Peugeot which also did an open interview day (when I actually arrived there were already 55 other people who actually was applying a job there too!) on Sunday (which also clashes with a certain someone's birthday party, as well as my brother's birthday) and well, I guess it went okay. Although I did kinda screw up the entire plan that day (especially regarding that one person's birthday party, but she didn't seem to care about me at the time that is a given) but at least I somewhat survive the whole ordeal. Then there was the interview with BMW the following day and well... it was quite an eye opener. After having a lengthy talk with the head of aftersales, he kinda told me to go and chase my dreams instead of applying work there and maybe not handle the pressure of being a technician. Although I do get what he was saying, but since I'm kinda short on cash and support from anyone I was hoping I could at least work and earn the money and miraculously get myself into some sort of racing program. Either way, both companies told me I might get a call within next week or so for a second interview. However if I don't get a reply within the following week I guess I'll try applying elsewhere, heck I might even have to settle working with some smaller workshop in Sunway if I have to. Sure for my qualification I should be getting more pay or whatever, but since its not getting me anywhere I guess I should just apply anywhere where they can accept me and just have to deal with the shitty pay and long working hours. I need to sacrifice myself and my time anyhow, I've been living my life as a NEET for way too long...

Apart from the interviews, another sort of good news was I managed to pass my Japanese level 2 a few weeks back. (some might have noticed it on FB, Instagram and/or Twitter) Since I managed to passed I was thinking if I should continue or probably hold back until I could get a job first, but seems like my parents were keen on seeing me continue and so... with my parent's blessing (and their money) I decided to continue my Japanese class and just last Monday I started my level 3. There were also 2 other classmates that managed to pass so at least I'm not alone in the class with my sensei, haha. At least with this, I can somewhat still have some hope of moving to Japan even though financially wise right now its not really possible. But I think judging from my first class its not gonna be easy. Definitely more difficult than my previous 2 levels. On the upside, if I do managed to master my Japanese within the next year or 2, I can really open up the possibilities of living in Japan as a student (actually I do plan on continuing my studies, but as I'm financially not able to I wanted to work first and build up my experience here before moving there and maybe get a degree or master... if the need arises that is) or even get a job in the automotive industry there. (pretty sure its a lot better compared to here in Malaysia) All things aside, I should not get too carried away on my future and just focus on the present for now. Try my best to get a job somewhere and also do my best to cope up with my Japanese classes.

While the previous 2-3 paragraphs kinda doesn't really seem like I'm sad or unhappy, but as I said... its only for me to past the time. Happiness doesn't really last long in reality, and I can easily just get depressed over something within seconds or minutes after that something happen, and here I go now blabbering about my emo sh*t lol. While it might only been a month, many things did kinda happen to both of us know? I don't know much about her side of the story, but judging from the way she tweets and posts on FB she does seem to do a lot better than me in a way. In a way I do feel kinda glad she is doing a lot better than me, and at least she does seem like she has a sense of purpose in life now. Someone like me will just drag her down and stop her from doing what she really wants to do anyhow, and despite her parents still being the same at least there isn't much drama (as I noticed anyhow) as when I was with her during the past 6 or so months when we were together.

Maybe I'm just a nuisance to her after all? I guess after I did block her on FB/Twitter things started to turn bad between us, and seems like even when I did unblock her things only got worse each time we talked. I don't really know why, but I practically always end up being in an argument with her whenever we talked be it in person, on FB/Twitter or even sms so I guess I kinda gotten the cold shoulder since she started ignoring me some 1-2 weeks ago. Its kinda understandable really, as I don't really wanna talk to her right now either for fear of upsetting her even more. Despite some of the stuff she posts or chat with that certain someone who she loves to be with ever since we broke up pisses me off a lot, but its her choice really and maybe I should try to be more understanding. (I'm kinda bad dealing these kind of things, and I still regard this as my first ever break-up so I can't really tell myself what to do here) Anyhow, its gonna take me a really long time to get over this feeling and I hope with all the stuff I need to focus on now I can get my mind off this whole bullsh*t and get my normal life back together. Also I hope its the same with you too, and with your SPM just around the corner I do hope you don't have other people distracting you. (I clearly am trying my best to do that anyhow, just so you might know)

In the end, it doesn't matter what you wanna say about me or if you wanna erase me from your memories. Do keep in mind that I will never forget you or the times that we were together, but I think I'm losing hope of being with you again as the days, weeks and months passing by. At least you seem happy being with someone else at the moment (even though you kept saying he is just a friend), and you already have plenty of friends both online and in real life to be with so I have less reasons to worry about you. As for me, I'm just gonna stay single for as long as I can and keep chasing my dreams and goals. Also I do have my own family and friends to be there with me, so its not like its gonna be the end of the world for me. (not yet anyhow) I'm not really sure if we'll be able to meet again, and even if we do meet up again I really am not sure how the situation is gonna be then. Will you already be with someone else by then? Will you be come running back to me? Whatever the situation is, I hope neither of us have any bad feelings regarding each other when we do see each other again. Sure I might have caused a lot of problems for you and also some of your friends, and I really do apologize for all the misunderstandings and wrong doings I've done to you and your family and friends. Not sure if you ever regretted being with me, but I sure don't and in fact, I feel really bad for mistreating you during some of those times that we were together. Its gonna be difficult to find someone else to replace you after this, but I'm gonna be pretty damn sure you will be the last Malay girl I'll ever be with if I have to move on. (yes, there might be a small possibility that I might end up with another Malay but I think I already clearly set my mind that I don't wanna be with another Malay after this. Only if a few certain conditions needs to be fulfilled before I can even consider, and even then... its a small likely chance I'll accept her)

Relationships can be tough I guess, but this is all a part and parcel of life for everyone. Sure some might live their lives much easier than others, but at least I did learn a lot along the way that might help be become a better person. Hopefully I can continue on after this and set my priorities on what I really wanna do. So far my short term goal is definitely landing myself a job, lose more weight and try to get myself fit and get better in bmx as well. There might also be a few other smaller short-term goals in mind, but I don't think its worth mentioning here just yet. Oh, and before I end this post soon I'm kinda sure some of you might wanna know why this is an "alternate version" and not the original. The reason why I kept the original post and not post it up is because I just have too much "hate" written in the post and I think it will make the situation look a lot worse than it is now. Not really sure if I'm gonna post it elsewhere or just keep it in my computer, but lets just say that some things are better left unsaid. =)

Anyhow, thanks for reading everyone. It might just be a repeat of some of my previous blog posts but its still no less a blog post regarding my interestingly mundane life. On the bright side at least September is coming to and end soon and I can definitely look forward to next month. With just a quarter of 2013 left many good things can come my way and I will definitely be focused on getting some things done in the next few months! Just gonna end this post here with this video here. It doesn't really mean anything now, but I guess its a bittersweet way to end this post.

So really... who am I?
I'm not the person who I used to be.
Then what kind of person was I?
For all I know, I am not me.

So where did it all go wrong?
Does changing or remaining the same come at a cost?
On the outside I might look normal and strong,
But deep inside, I'm broken down and lost.

I might have many hobbies and personalities,
But as many "me" as there is, I'm still one person.
As much as I don't like dealing with problems and responsibilities,
I still have to carry on living my life, and for what reason?

They say you could be anything you want.
Quite sadly though, nothing is easy as it seems.
The reality is, my dreams are only dreams... nothing different.
Like a fictional story, being published by the reams.

If I could find the old me somewhere within myself,
I would tell him to wake up and help my current self.
If knowledge is like a book, then life is like a bookshelf.
I could go back in time to live my old life, then again... I'm not an elf.

To be in the present, finding my past to move on to the future,
Then what do I do if I managed to found myself from long ago?
Would I dither about moving forward into an imminent world which is obscure?
I don't know... only time will tell if its worth a go.

"Will the real Muzaffar Musa, please stand up" is what I always wonder,
And I wonder... when will the real Muzaffar Musa revive back to his former identity?
Many people might know me for many things, some more than others... I ponder.
I think no one knows the real me, me included. In darkness, with no electricity.

Back to the question of my origin, regarding yours truly.
Am I really am still the same person today?
Its hard to imagine, but I can't answer it truthfully.
Because I might not be the same person in another day.

Actually I think Miku is actually 22, but I guess its been 6 years since she's around I guess? But yeah... she will always be the only waifu I'll ever want. Although I might have more interest in Kaname Madoka (from Madoka Magica) these days, well... I still love Miku even more! (and hey, since I can do polygamy, having more than one waifu doesn't hurt lol) Yeah... a complete contract to my previous blog post, but just think of this as a comic relief post or something. Oh, and also happy independence day Malaysia. Hope I can leave this f*cking country and celebrate some other country's national day instead lol. (like Japan for example)

Oh, and today also marks my sister's 36th birthday. Gonna celebrate with the family later today I guess... *sigh*

Whenever there is a start to a ride, there will also be and end to the ride as well, through ups and downs, lefts and rights, loops and corkscrews, after all that is said and done, the ride will stop and that is that. Just can't believe my ride ended as soon as it just began. Its barely even the seventh month into our relationship and somehow the world just came crashing down on both of us. Sadly its not the way that we wanted to end, but with her parents being what they are, and having her really important exam in a few months time, I guess there isn't any other choice.

*sigh*

Even though I've said all that (actually I promised her not to blog about this, but I feel even worse keeping this to myself! Plus she is not really helping my situation at all...) but I still feel kinda two-sided about it. One part of me is kinda glad that I get to spend all the good times together when we could and I really appreciate and cherish every moment that we were together, and yet another part of me says I still wanna continue this relationship after she finishes her SPM and just pray that the parents will give me a second chance to be with her. Honestly, I don't know what to say about myself right now really. Because of this stupid situation that I'm in I haven't really been myself lately. Almost everything that I do no longer have a purpose. Its gonna take time for me to recover from this, be it months... or even years for that matter if neither of us can accept the situation.

This is probably the first time that I was deeply involved in any relationship honestly (what happened before was not even a real relationship, and that was almost many years ago) and I have a deep gut feeling that she might be the one for me. I don't know why, but somehow after everything that we've been through and she was really patient in dealing with the problems. Plus, she would accept me for everything that I was even when she occasionally disagrees with what I do. After having to deal with so many dramas for the past few months, this one will probably hurt me the most. I can't accept the situation, not in this unforgiving way anyhow. Sure I know I could just leave her alone and let her do what she wants, but at the same time I don't want to see her suffer like she does with her family right now either. Only god knows what is gonna happen to us, and I for one just wish I could have some hints on where we are going with our lives.

Okay, up to this point I don't really know what to write anymore as my brain constantly thinks of something different to write, so in a way I'm just writing whatever is coming into my mind right now. It will not make any sense I know, but it will make me better somewhat... so yeah, screw logic! Anyway, in my current situation now I guess I am single in a way. (well, maybe I was single all my life and that this relationship was a fake, who knows?) But I don't feel like I wanna move on just yet and sometimes I just feel like I don't deserve to be with anyone... at all. If she is not the one for me, then what are the chance of finding others that want to accept me? Who the f*ck wants a crazy, emo, fat, retarded, ugly, and a sad excuse to even exists on this planet kind of guy when even a person like her was forced to reject me? You know what... I think I'm better of being single until I die, or even get a sex change so I don't have to deal with being a guy anymore. (okay, maybe that was all bullshit, but like I said... I'm writing whatever that is in my mind right now. Pouring all my energy, emotions and thoughts into this bloody post!)

As much I would love to write more, but I don't think my brain is cooperating with me anymore right now. Some stuff are still jammed behind my cranium somewhere and it doesn't want to come out. So I'm just gonna end this rant with this last paragraph. For now, I'll just try my best and be patient and see what happens. Hopefully I can get a job soon and focus on that instead of being too attached to her, and as much as she wants us to break-up I will still have feeling for her until the right person comes into my life (if god is willing to do that anyhow) but as some might now, I am extremely choosy if I can't get the right person though. But as there is no one for me right now, I will keep my arms open for her to come back when all her problems have been settled. The truth is, she doesn't want it to be this way either as far as I know. But I just hope she can still keep her options open for me after SPM perhaps. I definitely won't be angry if she decides to move on and find someone else after she finishes school or whatever. (lies, I can't even say that with a straight face) BUt whatever the case is, this only happened a few days ago so anything might happen within the coming months!

For all I know, she has her family and studies to deal with right now. Having me around will just make everything worse, and even from yesterday I just find it hard talking to her thinking it would just things worse, but I broke that promise when I WhatsApp her earlier. *sigh* I don't know, maybe its not her that is having a problem, but me. I think its time I should go and see a psychiatrist somewhere. I know I've said it many times before and it never happened... (and still might not happen even after I post this) but I keep having more and more reasons to hurt or even kill myself now. I get too depressed easily and seems like nothing would cheer me up, except pain and/or death! Okay... too much information here, and I think this whole post is rubbish. If you wasted your time reading this, I thank you for doing so. If not, then just move on and let me talk to myself and heal from this agonizing wound...

Well... not planning to say much in this post as originally planned due to time constraint, that and I don't really feel like its time to go all out on my "emotional expression" posts like how I did in the previous post yesterday just yet. However I just feel like saying a few words here regarding yesterday's post and how I'm feeling right now. I know the thing with me (my nickname is Panda btw, given to me by Mochi), Mochi and Aniki wasn't really intentional, and I somehow felt that everything that I wrote just made things a bit more worse. But then I can't really have it any other way...

Just to keep it short, I'm still trying to settle down after all the drama that has happened in the past few days. But somehow I never realized that Aniki was the one who suffered the most today. Having to deal with everything that has happened, things only got worse for him which none of us expected. (not gonna mention why, but lets just say its a double whammy in terms of damage) I know I kept saying I didn't really mean to hurt his feelings or even stop our friendship, but it was still difficult for him to accept the circumstances. Even when Mochi, Vien and a few other friends tried to cheer him up and give some advices, I just felt like most of the help was for nothing. But yeah... when something as shocking as this happens to you its gonna take time to recover. Just like when a natural disaster hits a city and how it takes time to rebuild everything for life to go normal again, its the same thing with our hearts.

As I already mention in my previous post, I do have a really weak and fragile heart and I do get hurt really easily inside. I don't really know why but I've been like this nearly throughout my life and the cure for it is just damn near impossible. As a kid I used to be extremely quiet and shy, and my parents even said at one point I was actually deaf or have some sort of disability. (its no joke, you can ask my parents if you do ever get to talk to them) Over time I guess I kinda got over being an introvert (for a lack of words) but over time my heart also became more two sided. Despite having more endurance to deal with all the emotional pain, but at the same time when the limit has been reached it also apparently became more painful to bear. This is why I sometimes I prefer to get emotional more often just to lessen the burden on my heart. I don't know if I'm just talking crap here, but that is just how I feel about myself. I am now who you think I am.

But anyhow, just gonna stop this here for now before I get into more details regarding my "emoness" on another post sometime in the future. The point being, I just wanna let all my feelings go and start afresh with no conscience disturbing my everyday routine or how I would react to other people online or in person. So yeah... I just hope whatever happens in the past few days would serve as a lesson for everyone including myself. Things in life could never be perfect without anything unfortunate happening, and none of us will learn anything unless something drastic happens. I'm sure me and Mochi will still be together regardless of what happens and I really do hope I can be with her for even longer than the 6 months that we have been together so far. May Allah bless both of us and let us both be together for as long as we can still live to see each other. =)

(sorry for not updating the blog for the past month or 2 and sorry for the layout still not being completed, just ignore the "pinkyness" of this blog until I can find a good blog layout)

First of all, sorry if this post is gonna cause a lot (or at least the one who I'm aiming this post at) of people to hate me or whatever after I post this, but I really really want to clear out my brains, emotions, guilt and thoughts on this one post. So yeah... I'm sorry if this is gonna hurt you Mochi and Aniki, but I just need to do this...

Anyhow, to start this post off I just want to say that even as I typed this I still do not fully know what happened between the afternoon that Mochi and Aniki left my house on the 12th of August 2013 until the night when this post was created. So far I think I got most of the story out from both of them, but whatever that they left out is just between them and I have nothing to do with it nor do I even want to know what happened. So the story just goes like this... after seeing how everyone was in the "hari raya" mood, me and Mochi (this is not her real name btw, but if you see me and her on Twitter really often you will know who she is) had been discussing about having raya at each other's house after the fasting month is over and when both of us have done visiting our relatives on both side of the family. (both sides meaning our mom and dad respectively) Not sure if visiting our relatives on this festive occasion is the same culture elsewhere, but in Malaysia we normally visit our relatives only after Hari Raya Aidilfitri (or Eid-ul Fitr for you English speaking folks). In fact, for some... its probably to only excuse to visit a relative when during the other days are too busy or when none of the families are all together. Honestly, I only visit my dad's relatives (which is in Muar, Johor) only probably twice a year or even once depending on how busy my and my parents are. Although we do visit them for other occasions as well (someone in our relatives passed away, wedding, etc.).

But enough about my family or relatives, I really wanna talk more about the open house I did for Mochi and very few other friends that I invited on that day. Then you might ask... why very few? For one I actually plan to only invite Mochi (because well, I wanted to see her so much and we did promise) and Aniki (oh yeah, its not his real name too and you can also find him on Twitter btw. Call him Aniki since he is older than me and Mochi) because they wanted to come over so badly. I didn't mind Mochi coming since well, she is my girlfriend and all (and that I love her and do anything to be with her when there is time) but to be honest, I didn't really wanted to invite Aniki over because it would feel really awkward. I might only know him for a few months, and he was a nice guy and all online and in person, but I just don't feel really comfortable with him around. But since he did help me and Mochi a lot (and since he keeps asking about the open house) I thought "hey, why not?". Also seems like Mochi wanted to see Aniki as well and wanted us all to be together and stuff. But knowing how awkward it would be just the 3 off us at my house (and with my mom obviously) I took it upon myself to get a few more others to come as well. After asking about on Twitter (I didn't ask my friends on Facebook since I didn't really want a lot of people to come. More people also means more stuff to prepare and just more inconvenience) I got like... 3 more people to come over. So altogether, only 5 people came to my house to raya that day. Although actually only 4 were together at the time as one more friend came a bit late... (well, I could describe what we did as well but that would probably be out of topic and well... its not really that interesting lol)

Now, to put my feelings on what actually happen during that day...


I didn't really agree for Mochi to be riding a motorcycle with Aniki, so I tried to convince Aniki to pick her up in a car. It was only an option since I might have to send my car for repairs on that day... which didn't happen since my dad said he had to go to work and he didn't really have time to accompany me to the workshop. Even during the morning of the day that both of them would eventually arrive at my place to beraya at my house (they were actually the first to arrive fyi), I did ask if Mochi wanted me to pick her up since my car is still available, however she said she didn't want to trouble me and still wanted Aniki to pick her up. As I was also busy preparing stuff at home I just agreed. Little did I know when she left her house she didn't really tell her mom about Aniki picking him up. I only knew about it when Mochi's mom called me asking where she was when they were halfway through their journey. To make things worse she didn't even pick up her phone at the time. (but I only realized why when they arrived) While I was talking with Mochi's mom I tried my best to answer her questions and only said things in general (I didn't mention Aniki's name in respect) and I told her what Mochi was planning to do during the day. She then told me that Mochi wanted to go to Mid Valley or something, but I said I didn't knew anything about it. (actually I think she mixed up with the news that Mochi wanted to see Tofu at Mid Valley, which sadly got cancelled because Tofu got grounded. Again, this is not gonna be explained in detail as its a whole another topic, a topic I barely even know about at least.) At first I didn't think she is gonna get into any trouble or anything since all her intentions were real and I knew Aniki would really be taking care of her. But when they arrive I saw them riding a motorcycle to my surprise.

When they arrived Aniki told me that he had to go back to his place first to switch to his motorcycle as his sister wanted to use the car. Also because they wanted to get to my place on time they "quickly" got onto the motorcycle and head to my place. Kinda felt sorry for Mochi as she had to ride the motorcycle in her baju kurung, which even for her was really uncomfortable. (she later told me that other people on the road kept staring at her and Aniki on his bike) If Mochi wore her more normal clothes (like she did when she went back with Aniki after the open house) I guess that won't be so bad... but still, it feels uncomfortable to see your girlfriend riding a motorcycle with another guy, even if that guy was your friend and you could trust him taking care of your girl. I know that Mochi loves motorcycles and that she still tries to get a chance riding a bike any way possible, but I wish she would realize the situation before the actual situation happened. I mean... if its her neighbors or her relatives I guess its more understandable, but a friend? An older male friend at that. Dammit, if I had a motorcycle license and a motorcycle I would have picked her up too. Heck, I should have just picked her up in my car regardless of what she or Aniki says! But I guess I shouldn't get too carried away with that topic, but honestly... who wouldn't be worried? Or even jealous for that matter...

So we did end up eating some of the noodles that my mom cooked and ate the kuih raya and stuff, and when 2 of my other friends arrived we did some chit-chatting and joked around until it was eventually time for them to go home. Mochi and Aniki went home along with one my friend in her car, but one more friend decided to stay back a bit to wait for my last friend to arrive. (again, skipping this story) A few hours later I got a message from Aniki saying that he had arrived home, and as a worrying boyfriend would do, I asked if he did anything between my house and the trip back to Mochi's place. He then told me that he just dropped Mochi at a friend's place to raya or something. At least when I heard that I was kinda relieved that Mochi made it back safely, and while I was busy entertaining my remaining guests and even send that last friend home (his dad sent him to my house, which was also why he was late) as he had no transport back. After I got back home after sending him back I tried to backtrack all my Twitter and Facebook updates to see what Mochi was doing, then I realized something was not right. Some of her tweets had a sense of sadness to it, and seeing her Instagram photos just made my blood boil a bit. For some reason neither Mochi or Aniki mention to me about them hanging out together for a bit longer after they left my house. Aniki bought her some cupcakes and drinks at Wondermilk in Citta Mall and they stayed at his family's house for a bit before sending her home. Anyhow, I decided to be a bit dumb about and just ignore the situation... somewhat.

Then I decided to be a dumbass and got all jelly and shit when I heard that Mochi got scolded by her parents (mostly Mochi's mom anyhow) because of going out with Aniki without telling her. She end up saying that Mochi was cheating on me and stuff, and that was that. She got her phone taken away and she couldn't go online that night... or so that was what I thought. Then because of me being all emotional and stuff I decided to tweet "bad" stuff about her and somehow a few other friends decided to join in as well. Rubbing more salt into her wounds, and Aniki started feeling bad about what happened to Mochi later that night. As I was out playing BMX around that night, I also kinda messaged Mochi asking what happened but she didn't seem like she wanted to talk about it, and then suddenly she SMS'd me some words and as I tried to reply back (and kept saying sorry for what I did) she just replied back to me with very few words. (it was only one word to reply back my almost 140 letter SMSs). Knowing she was upset I did the right thing by wishing her goodnight and left her alone.

Then the next morning (on the 13th of August, 2013) I woke up kinda early (for my standards at least, it was around 10pm or so) after having my sahur and slept at 4am (decided to start my puasa 6) and went online to see if she was online or anything. Then after a few minutes later checking on Twitter, I saw Aniki tweeting about Mochi being kicked out of the house. Knowing what happened I asked Aniki what happened, and the only thing he told me was to go and call her... and so I did. She didn't pick up the phone the first time, but thankfully the second time I called her she picked up the phone and answered. I did ask a few things that happened and she replied very softly and short, saying she was in tuition. I asked if it was okay to call her and she said it was okay, but I decided I'd just keep it short and hang up and continued messaging her. At the same time I also Tweeted about the situation and replied to Aniki and a few others regarding the situation. Knowing she got kicked out I already knew what the situation was like... since well, I had the deal with the same situation before as I was the one who got her kicked out the last time out. (well, indirectly involved anyhow) I really couldn't do anything at the time and the only thing I could do is call her mom and apologized about that incident. I pretty much cried my heart out asking her to forgive both me and Mochi, and after that incident I guess I kinda somewhat gain her parent's trust on me in a way. So if anything happens to Mochi, I will be the one who will have to be responsible for it.

But then what really pissed me off was that... how did Aniki knew about Mochi being kicked out while I knew nothing about it? I swear I wouldn't even know Mochi got kicked out if Aniki hadn't mentioned about it. I tried replying back to Mochi several times asking where she was going after tuition and she said she didn't know, and yet... Aniki told me on Twitter that she was going back home after that. After that I think I finally snapped and raged at the both of them. I asked nicely what was going on with Mochi and she was avoiding the questions, and yet Aniki knew about it more than I did. So I did what my emotions told me to do and Tweeted what made both Aniki and Mochi realized I finally reached my limit. My heart couldn't take it anymore... I just feel like I wanted to run away or even kill myself or something. After I Tweeted that I kinda started talking negatively to Aniki sadly, and somewhat made him feel even more guilty for what happened to Mochi, while Mochi tried Tweeting back with replies which I just wanted to ignore. But then after Mochi told (almost) everything about what happened, it turns out it was just a misunderstanding. But when she messaged me all that, I was actually out buying stuff for my mom. I only read that message when I got back (left my phone charging) but then I decided not to reply back as I felt it would make things worse. I had this habit of not talking to anyone when I'm upset... but somehow a few minutes after I came back I heard my house phone ringing and my instinct told me it was Mochi calling. I could've just ignored the call and let my mom pick it up instead, but I knew the situation was meant for me to talk to her about everything thoroughly. (And besides, I'm probably nearest to the phone and my mom usually will always ask me to pick up the phone anyhow) She then talked to me a bit and asked why I didn't reply back to her messages and asked if I was ok and whatnot, and likewise all I could do is just say sorry for everything that I did and gotten upset over some of the stuff she did or say...

And then I heard silence in the phone... followed by some crying from Mochi. Somehow I didn't really know what to do much other than just hear her cry. I wish I could be there to hug and comfort her but I just impossibly cant'! But it wasn't really a long phone call, but it was enough for us to settle our differences and misunderstandings and both of us calmed down and forgive each other. Also gave her some advice and "words of encouragements" (well, I guess it is) and hopefully she can learn her lesson about going out next time. We then proceeded to talk a bit online and even starting to feel happy a bit, but then I realize Aniki wasn't really in the mood anymore. After I told him off that morning, he just didn't see Mochi the same anymore. I mean... I just feel sorry for him, but sadly I can't do much to help him either. I did eventually apologize later but he didn't seem to take it really honestly. I don't know what feelings he has for Mochi (apart from him treating Mochi like his own "little sister") but I'm pretty sure he has gotten a bit too close to Mochi for me to be really okay with it. There are some things which I'm okay with, but then there are just some things which totally pisses me off. I can't tell what is what right now, but just to let you know... I feel more hurt when I don't know anything only to find it out in the most unexpected and unwelcoming way. But the thing is, I'm not the kind of person who wants to beat up any guy that goes near my girlfriend... and likewise, I don't even mind if they want to talk to her. Be smart and choose your topics wisely, and Mochi should know how fragile I am in these kind of situations. I might look big and tough and well on the outside, but inside me is nothing more but kid never wanting to deal with all the imperfection the world has to throw at me. If one thing doesn't even go my way, I'd get really sad or upset really fast. But yeah... I'll keep that for a separate blog post maybe later. How later? Well... that is for me to decide...

Okay, I guess I'll end this blog post here for now. I might not have said everything that I wanted nor if I managed to tell the story as truthfully as I wanted or as accurately as what Mochi or Aniki might know, but this is all coming from me, my brain, my heart and my soul. I'm writing this as how I feel and thought like it. So with that I'm just gonna move along and hopefully feel slightly better about it. Although it might take time for my wounds to heal, but it might take even a longer time for everything to go back normal, if... even at all. Just hope I don't offend too many people about it, and I hope I don't mind sharing this with everyone... >_<

Wow... can't believe almost 3/4 of the year has already passed by without me noticing. I guess many many things has happened over these past few months I really never had time to reflect upon them. Even during these 3 week semester break I still felt like I was busy with something. But today, on this very Sunday I kinda feel a bit free. A bit too free if I do say so myself...

Not sure if its because its the last day of my 3 week semester break, or that nearly everyone in my neighborhood (or the whole city for that matter!) has "balik kampung" or another way of saying it, going back to their hometown to visit their respective relatives to celebrate Eid ul-Fitr. Also the weather (since yesterday) couldn't be any better, with clear blue skies and sunny daylight shinning just makes the day feel more relaxing. Anyway, maybe I should take my time and enjoy the day by sleeping or lying on the bed thinking about things (which I did a lot today actually!) or spend the day more productively and do something else? Haha... not sure how to enjoy what is left of today though, and I can't believe its all gonna be over soon. With class starting tomorrow, I don't get to go on a holiday with my parents to Singapore or get to enjoy the rest of hari raya. Oh well... this year's raya has been a bit boring to be honest, not sure why though but its just is!

So yeah... just another random thoughts post from me here. Albeit its not as meaningful or as random as people might think, I'm just here trying to speak my mind and saying what I feel like saying. As for this blog though, I'm not sure what I will be doing with it if I'm really honest. Haven't been blogging regularly this year and I'm really starting to lose my mood on blogging nowadays (well not really, but I'm not blogging as much as I used to!) so I guess the blog will still be considered "active" for now. I might start posting more on Tumblr now since I like using that now, haha...

Also just to end this post, I really just wanna say for those who still are reading my blog I just wanna say thank you for taking your time and reading all the bs that I posted up lol. I know there has been many things that has happened to me over the past few months (both good and bad) and that I wished to share it with you all, but as it is I will just keep that all to myself for now. Maybe I will post it all up one day... maybe... just on that one day. Also I do apologize if I promised to write several other posts but kept forgetting, I'm not even sure if I should make it up by writing about it anyhow or just leave it... =P

credits where credits are due.

Well first of all, I would like to say (in Malay) selamat hari raya aidilfitri kepada rakan-rakan semua, maaf zahir dan batin. Kalau saya tersalah buat apa-apa toloing minta maaf lah, bukan saya sengaja pon nak membuat salah. Kalau tidak hendak bermaaf dengan saya pon sekurang-kurangya tolong lupakan apa yang terjadi dulu. As for my non-Malay speaking friends, happy Eid ul-Fitr! If I ever did anything wrong to make you guys upset or anything, please forgive me. Even if you don't want to forgive me, at least don't start a grudge with me and just forget about our pasts.

Anyway, I don't think I want to speak much about the whole month of Ramadan though, since its probably been the most boring one in quite a few years haha. Mostly I've been just staying at home, or just driving my mom around town running errands and that is pretty much about it. Also I can't believe my college break is gonna end soon, as of next Monday I'm gonna be starting class again zzzzz... but yeah, there is just too many things happening between me, my best friend and "that girl" before and in between Ramadan, as well as some trouble with my emotional breakdowns and mental problems. Oh I don't know, but I guess I might save that for another blog post.

Also, sorry if I didn't blog much either about my previous posts lol. Will try to find some time and blog about it this weekend. So yeah, happy holidays and take care during this festive seasons. Maybe all of us can just forget about whatever happened before, start over again and enjoy the rest of the year like when we were all still happy. =)

Okay, so if anyone read any of my tweets on Twitter, Facebook, or Myspace then you might be wondering what I was going on about then right? Well, if my recent tweet is anything to go by, then you would have probably clicked on the link and wondered... TOC OTTO Camp?

Well if you were wondering, its nothing much really. Its just some sort of introduction to the automotive world and the college for those who are interested. (anyone can go and visit I think) But what is different from all the other previous OTTO camp was that this time the workshop that I'm working with is involved. Just yesterday night they sent the Aston Martin V8 Vantage GT4 to my college for a demonstration, and well, today they (as in my boss and sifu) even had a
conference (or talk, not sure what is it that you call it) with everyone in TOC, and said that I was the first person in TOC to actually be working with them. My sifu also told me today that I'm currently working at one of the most expensive workshop that any TOC students had ever worked with!

Damn, I'm not sure what to say though. Maybe I'm lucky or maybe I'm unfortunate but I'm just... speechless! I mean, I'm probably the only student in TOC (well, as far as I know at least) who is working with a racing team (S&D Motorsports is what my workshop is associated with) and get to work on high end sports cars on my first on-job training. Who else has gotten the opportunity to do this? LOL, but anyway even as good as it sounds I just with I had a normal workshop like everyone else. I don't know, not saying that I don't appreciate working with this workshop (I really do) but I just don't get it. Why me? Why not anyone else? Its not like I have a good past experience (I never worked before in my life prior to this) nor do I have good results to show for it. Seriously, I feel like my classmates deserve to get this place more than I do. All I can do is just f*** things up! *sigh*

TOC, the workshop, my family, my friends, and probably just about anyone I knew has high expectations for me. Why oh f**king why does it HAVE TO BE ME!!? What the f*** did I do to deserve this? As with anything in life I guess, all I can say is whatever and just move on. I don't care. If I let anyone down its not my problem, you people are just expecting too much from a person like me. I cannot deliver any results nor am I gonna make anyone proud, all I can say is just accept it as it is. I would rather die than having to put up with all this pressure...

Anyhow, sorry for posting that crap. I just want to clear some things up with you people. I know that I might be repeating some stuff here (as usual) but bear with me, I'm just trying to let my feelings and thoughts go on this post just to make myself feel a "little" better. But if anyone is interested, please do go to the OTTO camp. I might be involved, I might not but at least you can get to enjoy being there and learn something!

Aston Martin in TOC OTTO Camp
The Otomotif College

Just when I thought my life would get any worse, I've just seen the light at the end of the tunnel. Been thinking lately about whether becoming a mechanic was a good idea and that going to college was a mistake and that I should have become a NEET or something cause somehow I just don't feel right about working. Kept doing the wrong things, making mistakes, breaking stuff, etc. I though I would just give up and do something else...

But after today, my mind has kinda changed slightly. Of course I still do feel a bit sad (I'm emokid, what do you expect?) after all the troubles that I caused in the 4 weeks that I've been working at the workshop so far, and after doing something terrible the day before (not work related) I just wish that I could stop doing everything and just lock myself up in my room and think about all the things that I've done. So what happened today that got me motivated you say? Something car/work related of course... *cough*

After working on the Nissan Skyline GT-R R32 for so many weeks the car finally got running after everything was done. Then today after some tweaks and stuff the car was able to drive on the road again. Couldn't believe how amazing it is that the car was from being abandoned by the previous workshop owner, to being completed with the people that I'm working with now. But most of all, not only to get the car in a working and running condition was an accomplishment, but to get to ride shotgun in a shakedown was just something else. I guess you can say it was "the fruit of our labor" (even though I didn't really do much lol).

Another surprise was that I get to ride in the Nissan Silvia S15 as well! But I got to say, after being inside both of these cars and being driven at the scruff of the neck my perspective of tuning and cars in general has changed. Boy oh boy what a feeling it was to feel the surge of power coming from each of these car... definitely a lot more exhilarating than my crappy i10! But of course, it didn't happen if I didn't work for 14 hours either... (went to work at 9am, came back home at 11pm)

But really, I do hope this will give me some motivation on doing my training, and work and study hard to achieve my far-fetched goal...

Oh, and the link to the picture above:
sdobbins.com's flickr

Yeah, thanks for the memories Junni. Its been fun hanging out with you again today, along with my cousin and some of my other friends at One Utama. Although you were probably was busy with your boyfriend/brother (oppa?) or whatever it is you wanna call him, but at least we still had fun right? Hahaha, I know I sure did, and so does everyone else as far as I'm concerned lol...

So what did we all do today exactly then? After settling with my cousin with his headphones (he just had to buy the exact same one as me, zzz...) and an MP4 player earlier in the day, I decided to bring him along with my friends to meet her at One Utama. When we were there and got to meet each other and did a lot of things (mostly being walking around lmfao!) such as eating at Chili's, played arcade games, watched movies (Up In The Air), and probably some other things that I could not remember hahaha. It was fun, we all had laughed together a lot, share some moments together as well as some other random bs we did.

Its probably gonna be really hard to forget this day, just as much as probably the first time I met you back in February. I don't know if you read my blog or anything (most likely not) but if you do you will surely know how much feelings I have for you. I could not care less if you want to move on, have another boyfriend or whatnot, I will still be here waiting *hopelessly* for you. Will we ever get into a relationship. Will we still be friends until the end of time? God knows whats gonna happen the next time we meet...

Sadly I didn't take any pictures of today much. (I think my cousin only took some photos on my phone) Need to get a new phone soon once (I hope!) my income goes in at the end of the month, or if I get an allowance from my workplace then I could buy myself a Sony Ericsson Aino (or maybe some other smartphones with a good camera) soon enough to take photos with. But not sure when that is gonna be... =(

But of course, I also need to thank you for buying me the Girls' Generation album all the way from Korea lol. Never thought you were gonna buy it, but then you did! Haha, I love you a lot Junni, I love you a lot... =D

Oh, and finally the obligatory music video of the blog title. (I don't care if everyone hates Fall Out Boy. This song just is just so fitting with the post okay?)

I hate you. I really really hate you! If it wasn't for you my dear lightning, I would probably not be in despair for over a week of not having no internet at home. Because of you almost my entire life is screwed up as it is right now. So many routines, plans, schedules, and all sort of things that I do online has been completely ruined because of you. If you knew how I would feel right now, you will probably would not even dare to exist in this life ever again...

So lightning, what did I do to deserve this? Was it because of some things that I was just meant not to do? Is it because I was praying for something that was well beyond my capability to handle? Did I piss off someone that this happen to me? If you have an answer, don't bother telling me cause whats already been done has already been done. No need to rub salt into my already deep cut wounds and having to live through this just makes me lose my mind, sanity and the will to live normally like everyone else.

Alright people, enough of this so called lettter/note or whatever you people think I'm writting. If you all didn't already know, my house got strike by lightning one evening on Friday, February 6th 2010. It was just after my practical exam for one of my college subjects, and when I was still at college I saw this big and loud lightning come by. Little did I realize how the lightning strike my phone line, killed my modem and my LAN card on my PC. What that means is that not only I cannot go online, but I cannot even make phone calls using my house phone either!

To make it more ironic, this happened just the day after I got to meet the person that I had always wanted to meet all this while. But I'm not gonna tell that story to anyone, but certainly its not something that I will forget that easily. Not sure if she was the one who wanted this to happen to me or anything, or was it god that was angry at me for being with her that night but I couldn't care less if the lightning strike was a coincidence, a reminder or just sheer bad luck as it has always been for my entire life.

You might wonder what I have been doing for the past few weeks without internet then? Well all I have to say is that my life could not be any more desperate or unfortunate. Had my SIT (Supervised Internship Training) exam at my college, which determines whether I could go for my on-job training or not. For the theory exam I did fail the first time but luckily managed to pass the second time around. Got to say that the exam was probably difficult like anything! Not only do I have to answer 150 objective questions, but the passing mark was 80%! (got 75.66% on the 1st try, 80.67% on the 2nd try) Okay, maybe it is not as hard as some other subjects and such but you got to admit you would say it was tough if you were in my shoes lol.

Anyhow, after I passed my theory exam I had to do my pracitcal exam straight away after that. All in all I managed to do good enough to get a passing mark without repeating any tasks whatsoever so I'm kinda thankful for that. So all I have to do for now I just wait until the SIT briefing before I actually go for my on-job training with some other workshop. Hope that I could learn a lot for working at the workshop as well as getting some sort of allowance or even an income if its possible haha. But yes, its definitely not gonna be something easy or to be joke around with. Once your doing a job you have to be 100% serious about it.

Well other than my college exams I really didn't do much else other than maybe going to a cyber cafe just to go online on Facebook, Myspace and Twitter for a while (yeah, thank goodness for cyber cafes near my place. Otherwise I would have died a long time ago...) and also helping out my family and friends drive around and stuff. Apart from that, I also got my car mirror replaced after a small accident a few weeks ago.

There are also so many things that happened these past few weeks I don't even know if I could post all of them by the end of the month cause I don't even know when I can get my internet working again. I feel like my life starts getting shorter and shorter each time I don't get to go online at home. But I guess this is all a part of life isn't it? Meh...

...that doesn't mean I still can't write about my 2009 experience! Haha, well I know this has been long overdue, but I guess its finally time to write about the experiences, both happy and sad, sweet and bitter, short and long, uplifting and depressing, yada yada yada, you get the point. So how was 2009 for me in a brief statement? Well, I guess all I can say that it has been one hell of a roller coaster ride for me...

Now I might not talk about everything in 2009 (well, you could always just check my 2009 posts for better details as well as some good reads) but mostly just want to summarize what I have managed to accomplished during 2009, mainly for what I wrote for my "new years resolution" and such.

Starting of with earlier in the year (in 2009 of course) with me getting my drivers license on my first try, I was really really happy that after nearly waiting for my entire life to get to drive a car I finally got the chance to do it in real life! All those times playing video games has paid off aplenty I guess, hahaha. Also probably the biggest news for that year was that I finally took up going to college at The Otomotif College. It was also my dream (albeit, not my biggest goal) to learn a thing or two about cars and becoming a tuner myself and so far I guess its been quite good in a sense that I have really learned a lot about cars then I should really know. Did I ever regret going to college? In a way, I do have to say yes since I don't think learning this would have helped me much and that it cost a whole lot of money (which mind you, cost around RM45k!) just to enter and that I just think I will go nowhere even if I do manage to get my diploma. But that doesn't matter anyhow, since my parents are already fully committed in funding my studies so all I have to do now is just do my best, and hope for the best!

Another thing that I should have pointed out also was back in September my father told me he was getting a car for me. After getting the load processed as well as the road tax, the documents and all that other crap, I finally go the car! A Hyundai i10 (which I still think is a crappy car even to this very day) is what I got (and what I'm currently driving) and so far I guess its an ok car. Yes it sucks that its front wheel drive, it barely makes even 50HP from a 1.1 liter engine and worst of all, the car is still considered "cheap" even if the car cost about RM40+k brand new! The f***? But whatever I guess, I just have to abuse the car (already broke the left hand side mirror lol) until I have enough money to buy and modify my own damn car! So yeah, my goal of becoming a drifter by last year has definitely faded, but that what makes me want to get into drifting even more!! I don't care what people say, I still want to be a professional drifter at all cost!!! Be it in Formula D or D1 Grand Prix, my ultimate goal lies there somewhere (hopefully) in the near future.

This was the least expected thing to happen to me last year, but after almost years of not thinking of buying a next-gen console, I finally broke the silence and got myself an Xbox 360 late last year. Hahahaha, I know I spoiled myself a lot there, and the money could be used on other better things but I was really craving to play video games after looking at videos of Forza 3, Need For Speed: Shift, Bayonetta, Halo 3: ODST and the likes and at that instant I just can't say no now can I? Certainly it was a better move than to buy a PS3, Wii, a gaming laptop (which was way well overbudget anyhow) or even upgrading my current pc (but I did upgrade it from time to time still) to support these new games. But then again some games were made for the Xbox 360 anyhow, so heh, it ain't such a bad thing. Good thing was also the newer version of the 360 doesn't suffer the fatal RROD that earlier models had.

Of course there are other less important things that I would like to talk to regarding what I've done, but I don't think I want to bore many people with my grandfather stories hahahaha. But yeah, that is about it for this post I guess. I'll probably not gonna make a new years resolution for this year, as even if this is only January, too many random things just happened in my life for my brain to really comprehend and the fact that I missed posting it by almost a full month means that I should just forget about it and just let things happen as time pass by. =D