Posted by : Muzaffar Friday, August 30, 2013

Whenever there is a start to a ride, there will also be and end to the ride as well, through ups and downs, lefts and rights, loops and corkscrews, after all that is said and done, the ride will stop and that is that. Just can't believe my ride ended as soon as it just began. Its barely even the seventh month into our relationship and somehow the world just came crashing down on both of us. Sadly its not the way that we wanted to end, but with her parents being what they are, and having her really important exam in a few months time, I guess there isn't any other choice.


Even though I've said all that (actually I promised her not to blog about this, but I feel even worse keeping this to myself! Plus she is not really helping my situation at all...) but I still feel kinda two-sided about it. One part of me is kinda glad that I get to spend all the good times together when we could and I really appreciate and cherish every moment that we were together, and yet another part of me says I still wanna continue this relationship after she finishes her SPM and just pray that the parents will give me a second chance to be with her. Honestly, I don't know what to say about myself right now really. Because of this stupid situation that I'm in I haven't really been myself lately. Almost everything that I do no longer have a purpose. Its gonna take time for me to recover from this, be it months... or even years for that matter if neither of us can accept the situation.

This is probably the first time that I was deeply involved in any relationship honestly (what happened before was not even a real relationship, and that was almost many years ago) and I have a deep gut feeling that she might be the one for me. I don't know why, but somehow after everything that we've been through and she was really patient in dealing with the problems. Plus, she would accept me for everything that I was even when she occasionally disagrees with what I do. After having to deal with so many dramas for the past few months, this one will probably hurt me the most. I can't accept the situation, not in this unforgiving way anyhow. Sure I know I could just leave her alone and let her do what she wants, but at the same time I don't want to see her suffer like she does with her family right now either. Only god knows what is gonna happen to us, and I for one just wish I could have some hints on where we are going with our lives.

Okay, up to this point I don't really know what to write anymore as my brain constantly thinks of something different to write, so in a way I'm just writing whatever is coming into my mind right now. It will not make any sense I know, but it will make me better somewhat... so yeah, screw logic! Anyway, in my current situation now I guess I am single in a way. (well, maybe I was single all my life and that this relationship was a fake, who knows?) But I don't feel like I wanna move on just yet and sometimes I just feel like I don't deserve to be with anyone... at all. If she is not the one for me, then what are the chance of finding others that want to accept me? Who the f*ck wants a crazy, emo, fat, retarded, ugly, and a sad excuse to even exists on this planet kind of guy when even a person like her was forced to reject me? You know what... I think I'm better of being single until I die, or even get a sex change so I don't have to deal with being a guy anymore. (okay, maybe that was all bullshit, but like I said... I'm writing whatever that is in my mind right now. Pouring all my energy, emotions and thoughts into this bloody post!)

As much I would love to write more, but I don't think my brain is cooperating with me anymore right now. Some stuff are still jammed behind my cranium somewhere and it doesn't want to come out. So I'm just gonna end this rant with this last paragraph. For now, I'll just try my best and be patient and see what happens. Hopefully I can get a job soon and focus on that instead of being too attached to her, and as much as she wants us to break-up I will still have feeling for her until the right person comes into my life (if god is willing to do that anyhow) but as some might now, I am extremely choosy if I can't get the right person though. But as there is no one for me right now, I will keep my arms open for her to come back when all her problems have been settled. The truth is, she doesn't want it to be this way either as far as I know. But I just hope she can still keep her options open for me after SPM perhaps. I definitely won't be angry if she decides to move on and find someone else after she finishes school or whatever. (lies, I can't even say that with a straight face) BUt whatever the case is, this only happened a few days ago so anything might happen within the coming months!

For all I know, she has her family and studies to deal with right now. Having me around will just make everything worse, and even from yesterday I just find it hard talking to her thinking it would just things worse, but I broke that promise when I WhatsApp her earlier. *sigh* I don't know, maybe its not her that is having a problem, but me. I think its time I should go and see a psychiatrist somewhere. I know I've said it many times before and it never happened... (and still might not happen even after I post this) but I keep having more and more reasons to hurt or even kill myself now. I get too depressed easily and seems like nothing would cheer me up, except pain and/or death! Okay... too much information here, and I think this whole post is rubbish. If you wasted your time reading this, I thank you for doing so. If not, then just move on and let me talk to myself and heal from this agonizing wound...

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