Posted by : Muzaffar Friday, January 22, 2010

I might not be exactly be nineteen just yet at this moment (will be in half a years time) but I still acknowledge that this is the year that I will finally break the 18 year old age bracket of being between a teenager and a pre-adolescent or whatever it is that grown-ups like to call it. As my brother said to me over the phone (albeit, not his exact words), "your gonna be nineteen now, your no longer a kid or a teenager, your gonna be an adult!"

(skip to paragraph 7 for the actual post)
To be honest, I think these past few days has been really difficult for me to handle. After all the problems that I caused over Facebook a few days ago (which got almost all my family involved) I don't think I ever want to relive that moment ever again. I know I can get emotional very easily over something "stupid" or just over any sensitive topics, I "snap" and I have no control over what I think, do or say. Its almost like "another me" just took over my body and start doing this thing without my other self being helpless to do anything to stop it! Well, it might all just be an excuse for my retarded and foolish action or it really is a problem with myself. I don't know anything, only god knows everything that has, will, and currently happening to me.

I will admit that when things get too hard for me to cope with or problems which just feels too much for me to solve, or just some things which I never liked facing up to I always think to myself, just end it already! Yeah, I have always had a thing or two for "suicides" and have been thinking about doing it many times throughout my life. For that reason its why I think to myself being an emo kid, trying to be like one, dress like one, and has definitely acted like one ever since I could remember! But forget about that though for now, I just want to talk about how I feel over these past few days. Anyhow back to the suicide thingy, I have tried to "commit" suicide (from just writing about it to almost doing it!) as well as try to think very negatively and hurt myself, not care about everything (and I mean everything!) and you know, do what people do when they feel depressed.

I think I just had cause too much problem to myself, my family, everyone that I know and especially her (who exactly, I'm not telling) just by these mere thoughts. I thought people do not actually care for what I post (since well, I never received any feedback from anyone ever!) but how wrong it was to post those things a few days ago. Even with those comments being deleted, those who read it (and especially commented on it) already know what I was going through, and I think by then it was just to late to do anything. Its not like you could turn back time, or even make everyone forget about it but as life goes, we just have to move on and try to forget about the past...

Continuing on, as this year I'm gonna really start reaching adulthood I should try to act like an adult myself and not do these teenager stuff any more, start having more responsibility for all my actions and make decisions based on my knowledge and good judgments and not from my feelings and from my heart. But in reality, am I good enough to become a good adult? Am I ready for the real life? I'm too used to dreaming a lot and has always thinking about "living in my own world" and think of reality as just a bad nightmare. I couldn't care less about anyone, myself or whatever it is around me (and I admit, I still have these thoughts inside my head) and yet somehow, reality has to come down on me like a ton on brick, wake me up and remind me that all these nightmares I have experienced has always been real.

How life's lesson could be a cruel teacher, don't you think? I have come to realize this many times over, and yet I still ignore this fact in scorn. Why you ask? Its a bit hard to believe, and just like how my father doesn't like to admit his mistakes, I just never really could care about it. So, will history repeat itself then? Maybe, maybe now, who knows? Oh I don't even know what I'm saying here haha... I'm just typing what I know, and how I feel right now. Its just how I like to post on topics like these anyhow, hence why its called a "random thoughts" post.

Okay okay, maybe I have gone too far with what I actually wanted to say. So like, as I was gonna say... I'm just having a hard time coping with everything that has happened to me right now. Never thought 2010 was gonna be a tough year, I feel like breaking down too many times now and its not even the end of January! I might be weak, I might be unstable, I might be this, I might be that, bla bla bla, its just all excuses! Then what is wrong with me then? It this one of god's test to see if I break under the pressure, and break the contract? Will I take my own life just to end this pain? One thing is for sure, I'm not ready to give up on this life just yet! I might have caused a lot of problem, I still would not care about myself or everything else, I might not even know where my life is gonna end up in the future, or even know where my footing in the present is or what my past has taught me but one thing is for sure... I'm still alive right here at this moment, and I still have that one big goal in the sky that somehow I think I will never reach, but with time, maybe... just maybe... someday, I'm gonna reach that goal and finally say that I succeeded in life!

The goal you asked? Its nothing much to be honest, but it is a bit like "reaching for the moon" if you think about it. Well... its becoming a race driver. Had this dream for a very long time, and hasn't changed much since then. From when I first knew about cars, from watching my first F1 race at Sepang with my parents, from playing my first racing game on the Play Station, even up until now when I'm in an automotive college learning about motorsports, its still the same goal. Although the goal has changed a bit (from being an F1 racer when I was young, to being a professional drifter that is now) it still is practically the same, and that is to become a professional race driver. So like, how is my progress on reaching this dream of mine then? As far as I can say, probably not much. But compared to like 5 or 6 years ago I think its far more realistic than I thought.

So yeah... how is my current life in 2010 then? Apart from that drama earlier on I guess everything is fine I guess. So far my first week in college in 2010 has been good. The DMS class that I am in right now is really good compared to my more normal class which I learned all my core subjects, learned a few thing or two from my instructor regarding not only about the subjects that I'm learning right now, but as well as some tips on becoming a tuner as well as some other things that we should know as a mechanic, haha. Will have the usual theory and practical exam for my subject in 2 weeks time, but more importantly I will have my SIT exam (SIT meaning something like on the job training) which will determine whether I could work at a workshop or not. I already know where I'm gonna do my SIT (which is thankfully near my area) at a workshop called ES EVOLUTION. I haven't seen the workshop myself or confirmed to work there for my SIT just yet, but if everything goes to plan then I should be working there without much problem.

Think I write too much here? Well I think the same as well haha. Well... I guess this is just about it (for now) I guess. If I missed a few other things to say, hopefully I would write those thoughts on another post then. I did say I have a lot to write, but I never realized I wanted to post this much. I mean I still have my 2009 review to write about, as well as my "new years" resolution and some other things as well but I don't know... maybe if I have a lot of spare time and brain cells left (meaning, if I could think about it haha) then maybe I will write them before January ends, so what do you think? Sounds good to me, hehe. =D

So anyhow, with this title being called "19" I guess it would be appropriate if I post where I got this title from:

Tegan and Sara =

Oh, and one last personal message going out to that certain someone (hope you will be reading this):
I'm sorry that I caused so much trouble for you over these past few days, and I'm sorry that I should have admitted my feeling to you much much sooner, for none of these would have happened if I told you that "I love you" before you told me about your past . I know you might think that I'm not yet ready for this or that I'm still a "n00b" but honestly, I couldn't care less about all those things. Even if we have never seen eye to eye just yet, let us hope and with gods blessing that we do get to meet each other some day, and that both of us can settle our differences, reconcile and maybe even turn over a new leaf? I don't know... maybe I was being a coward for saying those things to you, or maybe I overreacted too much, but I'm so so so sorry for all this. Although you did say it wasn't my fault and that it was you who should be sorry, but in truth none of us are actually right nor wrong...

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