Actually I think Miku is actually 22, but I guess its been 6 years since she's around I guess? But yeah... she will always be the only waifu I'll ever want. Although I might have more interest in Kaname Madoka (from Madoka Magica) these days, well... I still love Miku even more! (and hey, since I can do polygamy, having more than one waifu doesn't hurt lol) Yeah... a complete contract to my previous blog post, but just think of this as a comic relief post or something. Oh, and also happy independence day Malaysia. Hope I can leave this f*cking country and celebrate some other country's national day instead lol. (like Japan for example)

Oh, and today also marks my sister's 36th birthday. Gonna celebrate with the family later today I guess... *sigh*

Whenever there is a start to a ride, there will also be and end to the ride as well, through ups and downs, lefts and rights, loops and corkscrews, after all that is said and done, the ride will stop and that is that. Just can't believe my ride ended as soon as it just began. Its barely even the seventh month into our relationship and somehow the world just came crashing down on both of us. Sadly its not the way that we wanted to end, but with her parents being what they are, and having her really important exam in a few months time, I guess there isn't any other choice.

*sigh*

Even though I've said all that (actually I promised her not to blog about this, but I feel even worse keeping this to myself! Plus she is not really helping my situation at all...) but I still feel kinda two-sided about it. One part of me is kinda glad that I get to spend all the good times together when we could and I really appreciate and cherish every moment that we were together, and yet another part of me says I still wanna continue this relationship after she finishes her SPM and just pray that the parents will give me a second chance to be with her. Honestly, I don't know what to say about myself right now really. Because of this stupid situation that I'm in I haven't really been myself lately. Almost everything that I do no longer have a purpose. Its gonna take time for me to recover from this, be it months... or even years for that matter if neither of us can accept the situation.

This is probably the first time that I was deeply involved in any relationship honestly (what happened before was not even a real relationship, and that was almost many years ago) and I have a deep gut feeling that she might be the one for me. I don't know why, but somehow after everything that we've been through and she was really patient in dealing with the problems. Plus, she would accept me for everything that I was even when she occasionally disagrees with what I do. After having to deal with so many dramas for the past few months, this one will probably hurt me the most. I can't accept the situation, not in this unforgiving way anyhow. Sure I know I could just leave her alone and let her do what she wants, but at the same time I don't want to see her suffer like she does with her family right now either. Only god knows what is gonna happen to us, and I for one just wish I could have some hints on where we are going with our lives.

Okay, up to this point I don't really know what to write anymore as my brain constantly thinks of something different to write, so in a way I'm just writing whatever is coming into my mind right now. It will not make any sense I know, but it will make me better somewhat... so yeah, screw logic! Anyway, in my current situation now I guess I am single in a way. (well, maybe I was single all my life and that this relationship was a fake, who knows?) But I don't feel like I wanna move on just yet and sometimes I just feel like I don't deserve to be with anyone... at all. If she is not the one for me, then what are the chance of finding others that want to accept me? Who the f*ck wants a crazy, emo, fat, retarded, ugly, and a sad excuse to even exists on this planet kind of guy when even a person like her was forced to reject me? You know what... I think I'm better of being single until I die, or even get a sex change so I don't have to deal with being a guy anymore. (okay, maybe that was all bullshit, but like I said... I'm writing whatever that is in my mind right now. Pouring all my energy, emotions and thoughts into this bloody post!)

As much I would love to write more, but I don't think my brain is cooperating with me anymore right now. Some stuff are still jammed behind my cranium somewhere and it doesn't want to come out. So I'm just gonna end this rant with this last paragraph. For now, I'll just try my best and be patient and see what happens. Hopefully I can get a job soon and focus on that instead of being too attached to her, and as much as she wants us to break-up I will still have feeling for her until the right person comes into my life (if god is willing to do that anyhow) but as some might now, I am extremely choosy if I can't get the right person though. But as there is no one for me right now, I will keep my arms open for her to come back when all her problems have been settled. The truth is, she doesn't want it to be this way either as far as I know. But I just hope she can still keep her options open for me after SPM perhaps. I definitely won't be angry if she decides to move on and find someone else after she finishes school or whatever. (lies, I can't even say that with a straight face) BUt whatever the case is, this only happened a few days ago so anything might happen within the coming months!

For all I know, she has her family and studies to deal with right now. Having me around will just make everything worse, and even from yesterday I just find it hard talking to her thinking it would just things worse, but I broke that promise when I WhatsApp her earlier. *sigh* I don't know, maybe its not her that is having a problem, but me. I think its time I should go and see a psychiatrist somewhere. I know I've said it many times before and it never happened... (and still might not happen even after I post this) but I keep having more and more reasons to hurt or even kill myself now. I get too depressed easily and seems like nothing would cheer me up, except pain and/or death! Okay... too much information here, and I think this whole post is rubbish. If you wasted your time reading this, I thank you for doing so. If not, then just move on and let me talk to myself and heal from this agonizing wound...

well... it too quite a while, but after several "trial" layouts and a severe case of slacking off, I finally decided to finish off the blog design today. Okay... well, almost finished anyhow, I still have a few more things to fixed but they aren't as important as the main page itself. At least the layout-wise its complete I guess, and might only need a few changes here and there. Honestly, its been years since I updated the look of my blog and I think the current one seems "too simple" for me, but I guess making it all complicated won't make any difference lol.

Well... not planning to say much in this post as originally planned due to time constraint, that and I don't really feel like its time to go all out on my "emotional expression" posts like how I did in the previous post yesterday just yet. However I just feel like saying a few words here regarding yesterday's post and how I'm feeling right now. I know the thing with me (my nickname is Panda btw, given to me by Mochi), Mochi and Aniki wasn't really intentional, and I somehow felt that everything that I wrote just made things a bit more worse. But then I can't really have it any other way...

Just to keep it short, I'm still trying to settle down after all the drama that has happened in the past few days. But somehow I never realized that Aniki was the one who suffered the most today. Having to deal with everything that has happened, things only got worse for him which none of us expected. (not gonna mention why, but lets just say its a double whammy in terms of damage) I know I kept saying I didn't really mean to hurt his feelings or even stop our friendship, but it was still difficult for him to accept the circumstances. Even when Mochi, Vien and a few other friends tried to cheer him up and give some advices, I just felt like most of the help was for nothing. But yeah... when something as shocking as this happens to you its gonna take time to recover. Just like when a natural disaster hits a city and how it takes time to rebuild everything for life to go normal again, its the same thing with our hearts.

As I already mention in my previous post, I do have a really weak and fragile heart and I do get hurt really easily inside. I don't really know why but I've been like this nearly throughout my life and the cure for it is just damn near impossible. As a kid I used to be extremely quiet and shy, and my parents even said at one point I was actually deaf or have some sort of disability. (its no joke, you can ask my parents if you do ever get to talk to them) Over time I guess I kinda got over being an introvert (for a lack of words) but over time my heart also became more two sided. Despite having more endurance to deal with all the emotional pain, but at the same time when the limit has been reached it also apparently became more painful to bear. This is why I sometimes I prefer to get emotional more often just to lessen the burden on my heart. I don't know if I'm just talking crap here, but that is just how I feel about myself. I am now who you think I am.

But anyhow, just gonna stop this here for now before I get into more details regarding my "emoness" on another post sometime in the future. The point being, I just wanna let all my feelings go and start afresh with no conscience disturbing my everyday routine or how I would react to other people online or in person. So yeah... I just hope whatever happens in the past few days would serve as a lesson for everyone including myself. Things in life could never be perfect without anything unfortunate happening, and none of us will learn anything unless something drastic happens. I'm sure me and Mochi will still be together regardless of what happens and I really do hope I can be with her for even longer than the 6 months that we have been together so far. May Allah bless both of us and let us both be together for as long as we can still live to see each other. =)

(sorry for not updating the blog for the past month or 2 and sorry for the layout still not being completed, just ignore the "pinkyness" of this blog until I can find a good blog layout)

First of all, sorry if this post is gonna cause a lot (or at least the one who I'm aiming this post at) of people to hate me or whatever after I post this, but I really really want to clear out my brains, emotions, guilt and thoughts on this one post. So yeah... I'm sorry if this is gonna hurt you Mochi and Aniki, but I just need to do this...

Anyhow, to start this post off I just want to say that even as I typed this I still do not fully know what happened between the afternoon that Mochi and Aniki left my house on the 12th of August 2013 until the night when this post was created. So far I think I got most of the story out from both of them, but whatever that they left out is just between them and I have nothing to do with it nor do I even want to know what happened. So the story just goes like this... after seeing how everyone was in the "hari raya" mood, me and Mochi (this is not her real name btw, but if you see me and her on Twitter really often you will know who she is) had been discussing about having raya at each other's house after the fasting month is over and when both of us have done visiting our relatives on both side of the family. (both sides meaning our mom and dad respectively) Not sure if visiting our relatives on this festive occasion is the same culture elsewhere, but in Malaysia we normally visit our relatives only after Hari Raya Aidilfitri (or Eid-ul Fitr for you English speaking folks). In fact, for some... its probably to only excuse to visit a relative when during the other days are too busy or when none of the families are all together. Honestly, I only visit my dad's relatives (which is in Muar, Johor) only probably twice a year or even once depending on how busy my and my parents are. Although we do visit them for other occasions as well (someone in our relatives passed away, wedding, etc.).

But enough about my family or relatives, I really wanna talk more about the open house I did for Mochi and very few other friends that I invited on that day. Then you might ask... why very few? For one I actually plan to only invite Mochi (because well, I wanted to see her so much and we did promise) and Aniki (oh yeah, its not his real name too and you can also find him on Twitter btw. Call him Aniki since he is older than me and Mochi) because they wanted to come over so badly. I didn't mind Mochi coming since well, she is my girlfriend and all (and that I love her and do anything to be with her when there is time) but to be honest, I didn't really wanted to invite Aniki over because it would feel really awkward. I might only know him for a few months, and he was a nice guy and all online and in person, but I just don't feel really comfortable with him around. But since he did help me and Mochi a lot (and since he keeps asking about the open house) I thought "hey, why not?". Also seems like Mochi wanted to see Aniki as well and wanted us all to be together and stuff. But knowing how awkward it would be just the 3 off us at my house (and with my mom obviously) I took it upon myself to get a few more others to come as well. After asking about on Twitter (I didn't ask my friends on Facebook since I didn't really want a lot of people to come. More people also means more stuff to prepare and just more inconvenience) I got like... 3 more people to come over. So altogether, only 5 people came to my house to raya that day. Although actually only 4 were together at the time as one more friend came a bit late... (well, I could describe what we did as well but that would probably be out of topic and well... its not really that interesting lol)

Now, to put my feelings on what actually happen during that day...


I didn't really agree for Mochi to be riding a motorcycle with Aniki, so I tried to convince Aniki to pick her up in a car. It was only an option since I might have to send my car for repairs on that day... which didn't happen since my dad said he had to go to work and he didn't really have time to accompany me to the workshop. Even during the morning of the day that both of them would eventually arrive at my place to beraya at my house (they were actually the first to arrive fyi), I did ask if Mochi wanted me to pick her up since my car is still available, however she said she didn't want to trouble me and still wanted Aniki to pick her up. As I was also busy preparing stuff at home I just agreed. Little did I know when she left her house she didn't really tell her mom about Aniki picking him up. I only knew about it when Mochi's mom called me asking where she was when they were halfway through their journey. To make things worse she didn't even pick up her phone at the time. (but I only realized why when they arrived) While I was talking with Mochi's mom I tried my best to answer her questions and only said things in general (I didn't mention Aniki's name in respect) and I told her what Mochi was planning to do during the day. She then told me that Mochi wanted to go to Mid Valley or something, but I said I didn't knew anything about it. (actually I think she mixed up with the news that Mochi wanted to see Tofu at Mid Valley, which sadly got cancelled because Tofu got grounded. Again, this is not gonna be explained in detail as its a whole another topic, a topic I barely even know about at least.) At first I didn't think she is gonna get into any trouble or anything since all her intentions were real and I knew Aniki would really be taking care of her. But when they arrive I saw them riding a motorcycle to my surprise.

When they arrived Aniki told me that he had to go back to his place first to switch to his motorcycle as his sister wanted to use the car. Also because they wanted to get to my place on time they "quickly" got onto the motorcycle and head to my place. Kinda felt sorry for Mochi as she had to ride the motorcycle in her baju kurung, which even for her was really uncomfortable. (she later told me that other people on the road kept staring at her and Aniki on his bike) If Mochi wore her more normal clothes (like she did when she went back with Aniki after the open house) I guess that won't be so bad... but still, it feels uncomfortable to see your girlfriend riding a motorcycle with another guy, even if that guy was your friend and you could trust him taking care of your girl. I know that Mochi loves motorcycles and that she still tries to get a chance riding a bike any way possible, but I wish she would realize the situation before the actual situation happened. I mean... if its her neighbors or her relatives I guess its more understandable, but a friend? An older male friend at that. Dammit, if I had a motorcycle license and a motorcycle I would have picked her up too. Heck, I should have just picked her up in my car regardless of what she or Aniki says! But I guess I shouldn't get too carried away with that topic, but honestly... who wouldn't be worried? Or even jealous for that matter...

So we did end up eating some of the noodles that my mom cooked and ate the kuih raya and stuff, and when 2 of my other friends arrived we did some chit-chatting and joked around until it was eventually time for them to go home. Mochi and Aniki went home along with one my friend in her car, but one more friend decided to stay back a bit to wait for my last friend to arrive. (again, skipping this story) A few hours later I got a message from Aniki saying that he had arrived home, and as a worrying boyfriend would do, I asked if he did anything between my house and the trip back to Mochi's place. He then told me that he just dropped Mochi at a friend's place to raya or something. At least when I heard that I was kinda relieved that Mochi made it back safely, and while I was busy entertaining my remaining guests and even send that last friend home (his dad sent him to my house, which was also why he was late) as he had no transport back. After I got back home after sending him back I tried to backtrack all my Twitter and Facebook updates to see what Mochi was doing, then I realized something was not right. Some of her tweets had a sense of sadness to it, and seeing her Instagram photos just made my blood boil a bit. For some reason neither Mochi or Aniki mention to me about them hanging out together for a bit longer after they left my house. Aniki bought her some cupcakes and drinks at Wondermilk in Citta Mall and they stayed at his family's house for a bit before sending her home. Anyhow, I decided to be a bit dumb about and just ignore the situation... somewhat.

Then I decided to be a dumbass and got all jelly and shit when I heard that Mochi got scolded by her parents (mostly Mochi's mom anyhow) because of going out with Aniki without telling her. She end up saying that Mochi was cheating on me and stuff, and that was that. She got her phone taken away and she couldn't go online that night... or so that was what I thought. Then because of me being all emotional and stuff I decided to tweet "bad" stuff about her and somehow a few other friends decided to join in as well. Rubbing more salt into her wounds, and Aniki started feeling bad about what happened to Mochi later that night. As I was out playing BMX around that night, I also kinda messaged Mochi asking what happened but she didn't seem like she wanted to talk about it, and then suddenly she SMS'd me some words and as I tried to reply back (and kept saying sorry for what I did) she just replied back to me with very few words. (it was only one word to reply back my almost 140 letter SMSs). Knowing she was upset I did the right thing by wishing her goodnight and left her alone.

Then the next morning (on the 13th of August, 2013) I woke up kinda early (for my standards at least, it was around 10pm or so) after having my sahur and slept at 4am (decided to start my puasa 6) and went online to see if she was online or anything. Then after a few minutes later checking on Twitter, I saw Aniki tweeting about Mochi being kicked out of the house. Knowing what happened I asked Aniki what happened, and the only thing he told me was to go and call her... and so I did. She didn't pick up the phone the first time, but thankfully the second time I called her she picked up the phone and answered. I did ask a few things that happened and she replied very softly and short, saying she was in tuition. I asked if it was okay to call her and she said it was okay, but I decided I'd just keep it short and hang up and continued messaging her. At the same time I also Tweeted about the situation and replied to Aniki and a few others regarding the situation. Knowing she got kicked out I already knew what the situation was like... since well, I had the deal with the same situation before as I was the one who got her kicked out the last time out. (well, indirectly involved anyhow) I really couldn't do anything at the time and the only thing I could do is call her mom and apologized about that incident. I pretty much cried my heart out asking her to forgive both me and Mochi, and after that incident I guess I kinda somewhat gain her parent's trust on me in a way. So if anything happens to Mochi, I will be the one who will have to be responsible for it.

But then what really pissed me off was that... how did Aniki knew about Mochi being kicked out while I knew nothing about it? I swear I wouldn't even know Mochi got kicked out if Aniki hadn't mentioned about it. I tried replying back to Mochi several times asking where she was going after tuition and she said she didn't know, and yet... Aniki told me on Twitter that she was going back home after that. After that I think I finally snapped and raged at the both of them. I asked nicely what was going on with Mochi and she was avoiding the questions, and yet Aniki knew about it more than I did. So I did what my emotions told me to do and Tweeted what made both Aniki and Mochi realized I finally reached my limit. My heart couldn't take it anymore... I just feel like I wanted to run away or even kill myself or something. After I Tweeted that I kinda started talking negatively to Aniki sadly, and somewhat made him feel even more guilty for what happened to Mochi, while Mochi tried Tweeting back with replies which I just wanted to ignore. But then after Mochi told (almost) everything about what happened, it turns out it was just a misunderstanding. But when she messaged me all that, I was actually out buying stuff for my mom. I only read that message when I got back (left my phone charging) but then I decided not to reply back as I felt it would make things worse. I had this habit of not talking to anyone when I'm upset... but somehow a few minutes after I came back I heard my house phone ringing and my instinct told me it was Mochi calling. I could've just ignored the call and let my mom pick it up instead, but I knew the situation was meant for me to talk to her about everything thoroughly. (And besides, I'm probably nearest to the phone and my mom usually will always ask me to pick up the phone anyhow) She then talked to me a bit and asked why I didn't reply back to her messages and asked if I was ok and whatnot, and likewise all I could do is just say sorry for everything that I did and gotten upset over some of the stuff she did or say...

And then I heard silence in the phone... followed by some crying from Mochi. Somehow I didn't really know what to do much other than just hear her cry. I wish I could be there to hug and comfort her but I just impossibly cant'! But it wasn't really a long phone call, but it was enough for us to settle our differences and misunderstandings and both of us calmed down and forgive each other. Also gave her some advice and "words of encouragements" (well, I guess it is) and hopefully she can learn her lesson about going out next time. We then proceeded to talk a bit online and even starting to feel happy a bit, but then I realize Aniki wasn't really in the mood anymore. After I told him off that morning, he just didn't see Mochi the same anymore. I mean... I just feel sorry for him, but sadly I can't do much to help him either. I did eventually apologize later but he didn't seem to take it really honestly. I don't know what feelings he has for Mochi (apart from him treating Mochi like his own "little sister") but I'm pretty sure he has gotten a bit too close to Mochi for me to be really okay with it. There are some things which I'm okay with, but then there are just some things which totally pisses me off. I can't tell what is what right now, but just to let you know... I feel more hurt when I don't know anything only to find it out in the most unexpected and unwelcoming way. But the thing is, I'm not the kind of person who wants to beat up any guy that goes near my girlfriend... and likewise, I don't even mind if they want to talk to her. Be smart and choose your topics wisely, and Mochi should know how fragile I am in these kind of situations. I might look big and tough and well on the outside, but inside me is nothing more but kid never wanting to deal with all the imperfection the world has to throw at me. If one thing doesn't even go my way, I'd get really sad or upset really fast. But yeah... I'll keep that for a separate blog post maybe later. How later? Well... that is for me to decide...

Okay, I guess I'll end this blog post here for now. I might not have said everything that I wanted nor if I managed to tell the story as truthfully as I wanted or as accurately as what Mochi or Aniki might know, but this is all coming from me, my brain, my heart and my soul. I'm writing this as how I feel and thought like it. So with that I'm just gonna move along and hopefully feel slightly better about it. Although it might take time for my wounds to heal, but it might take even a longer time for everything to go back normal, if... even at all. Just hope I don't offend too many people about it, and I hope I don't mind sharing this with everyone... >_<