Sorry for the lack of updates in the past month, just been busy with work, Grand Theft Auto V (that I borrowed from my friend), riding BMX and also many other things in between. That and I can't be all that bothered to blog all that much. I won't go into too much details about the past events in November, but I guess this was one of the more sad things regarding the end of November. (there are obviously more sad news at the end of last month, and also my own unfortunate events) In short, I'm just kinda lost for words regarding last month! But enough about me blabbering, I'm just posting this to reflect upon this one "maid" cafe which I loved to go ever since I first knew about it several years ago...

Well... what can I say, I just love this place. I know the whole concept about "maid cafes" in Japan for quite a while now (all thanks to sites like Sankaku Complex as well as the internet itself and social medias) but when I first heard an actual maid cafe opening in Malaysia, I just know I have to go there lol. (I know there are other maid cafes prior to Tenshi as well, but none of those are actually "halal" or is even half as authentic as this one) At first I was a bit curious by the whole "otaku" subculture of visiting maid cafes, but after my first visit (several months after it first opened) I was totally hooked and just can't stop going there ever since. Of course, it wasn't really that near (but for a 1/2 hour drive its not bad than say... in another state!!) and it wasn't cheap either (I never minded the price, but the food portion leave a lot to be desired), but somehow... the atmosphere, and the staff (or maids as you would call them) just makes me happy being there lol. Even if I don't usually eat there all the time, I do try my best to drop by and say hi if I'm around the area.

Made a lot of friends, made even more memories there, but most of all... a part of me is there somewhere in that place. Might not have visit the place as often as I did when it first opened, but I still tried my best to visit when they were making events or if there are any gatherings there with my friends. Its kinda difficult to find a cafe/restaurant that would be this comfortable to do all these activities, let alone having that environment and people around you that makes you feel like yourself. Yeah... really gonna miss this place. Although they did say they plan to re-open sometime next year, but I doubt its gonna be the same. (unless they plan to renovate and re-open at the same place, but by then things just won't be the same in my opinion) Whatever it is, thank you Tehshi no Cafe for existing and thanks to all the staff working there that made the place possible. I'm sure I'm not the only one who is gonna miss this place... =(

Oh, and I also took some pictures while I was there when they were open for the last day. Last Day @ Tenshi If anything, be sure to check out their Facebook page too! Tenshi no Café

if seeing me blabbering about this event for the past week isn't enough, here is a blog post just to finally put an end to all my non-stop fanboyism for these 2 epic bands haha. (okay, maybe I'm more bias towards one of them but I guess that is too obvious) Anyhow, I probably won't go too much into details about either Mew or Explosions In The Sky (apart from they are epic!) but I'll probably talk about the event itself instead. So yeah... this marks the second time I've been to a concert in my life so far (the first being AFA Malaysia last year) and probably the first concert which is more towards the more "normal" crowds. (if there is such a thing, hahaha...) Why normal? I never really counted AFA Malaysia as being a proper concert since its more or less an anime convention with the concert as their side attraction. (also the crowds are just... different? perhaps?) This is more of a proper gig with nothing but the bands playing right in front of everyone.

Anyhow, the day pretty much started when I left work early to get back home (to clean myself, change clothes and get ready) and went off to KL Live (the venue of this gig) and apart from a small traffic jam at Sunway (well, obviously everyone was coming back from work at the time) I managed to reach KL and the venue on time even though I should've probably left even earlier than I planned! The door was open at 7pm and I think there were already quite a long line when I arrived however I managed to cut the queue a bit after I somehow... made a new friend while I was parking my car lol!!! Somehow after parking my car, another car came and parked beside me and when I got out of my car, the guy beside me asked if I was gonna be watching Mew, and I was... "hell yeah!" and somehow from there I decided to hang out with him for the rest of the concert along with his girlfriend and her friend as well. Also met 2 Canadian chicks while I was there too, but sadly I never really got the chance to talk to them or even get their photos. (one of them was like Asian-Canadian and was named Megan and another one being white but I never talked to her or even knew her name lol) They were more looking forward to EITS, but yeah... was totally random sh*t lol. Anyhow, probably gonna skimp on the details (already said too much, haha) and express how the concert was from my point of view.

It was hard to believe it at first, but I was a bit disappointed to find out that Mew were the first to perform instead of EITS. Despite that I was still really looking forward to their performance, and this being their first time performing in KL I guess they had even more pressure to impress us all. But yeah, I knew that watching them perform live was really gonna be something special. While I did managed to enter the stage around 7:30pm or so, but it took them almost an hour before their performance actually started. (by then the room itself was just packed with people, glad I managed to be one the early ones lol) Surprisingly enough, Mew started out their performance with one of their newer songs, Making Friends, which kinda surprised me as I thought they would be starting out with either Circuitry Of The Wolf or New Terrain but they did eventually play those songs later on in the show. And yeah... their performance was just mind blowing. They mostly played songs from either Frengers or And The Glass Handed Kites and also a few songs from No More Stories but they were definitely focusing more on their last 2 albums instead of their latest one. Also they did play one of their newer songs which might appear in their new album which was pretty cool stuff. All in all, their performance exceeded my expectations and to my surprise it seems there are a lot more Mew fans in Malaysia than I thought! Oh, and the fact that everyone was singing to Comforting Sounds at the end was almost just too good to believe... I still get goosebumps thinking about that moment even as I type this!

After Mew's performance ends it took the organizers and crews another hour to setup the stage for EITS (who are apparently the main performer I guess?) and well, wow... their set is just mind bogglingly good. Sadly I don't really know their songs all that well and I barely even scrobble them as much on last.fm compared to Mew, but I do know one of their hit songs... which the managed to play during their performance. I think I was overjoyed with emotions when I heard the starting of Your Hand In Mine playing, and likewise the crowd just seem as enthusiastic as me regarding this song. Somehow their songs just felt more relaxed and at times... really energetic too. But still... you don't really expect anything less from probably one of the best post-rock bands in the world. Just kinda wish I could listen to them a lot more... if only my iPod and HDD didn't die on me. =/

So after EITS performance ended, it was time for everyone to go back home... well, most of us anyway. I ended up following my "frengers" to grab a bit somewhere and then head back home myself. All in all, despite the ticket itself being a bit overpriced (at RM180 its not cheap for a small gig like this honestly) but I think its worth going just to see 2 of my favorite bands to perform and supporting them in any way possible. Even though their sets do feel a bit short (both bands played roughly 2 hours each) and I didn't get to buy anything much there either (lets just say things were either too expensive or too uninteresting to bother paying up for) nor get to meet up with the bands up close (Mew already left the building when EITS was playing sadly) and get their autographs but I guess I'll just have to be patient and wait for them to hopefully come back to KL and perform their own shows instead. Yeah... definitely looking forward to that!

Yeah... and this is just a small teaser for what is to come. There is also the Urbanscapes main event (which sadly I won't be going because of work, that and I don't have the money to pay for more tickets and I'm not really too keen on the line-up even though I do like some of the bands that is playing that day) which is happening later this month. You can find out more info regarding it here. There will also be another Satellite Show in December which Metric will be performing, but I don't listen to them all that much either! So many concerts, so little time and money. ;_;

Oh, and before I close this post I'll just leave a link below this paragraph. Its just some pics I took during the gig that night. Its nothing much, but the memories that I had that day will never be forgotten. Oh and if you want more pictures or even videos of the concert, I'm pretty sure you can find it on Instagram or Youtube haha. I saw a lot of people recording the event even though the organizers clearly state that you can't record the performance whatsoever. Typical Malaysians... =P

Facebook photos

Sorry for the lack of updates here, I guess I've been kinda busy this month as I finally started working after over 8 months since I quit my last job! As some might have notice me on Facebook and Twitter, I've been doing a lot better during this month compared to the previous few months before, I could probably say this has been by far the best month for me for 2013 so far! Okay, well not exactly that for sure but its been one of the better months I had this year. Anyhow, I probably won't be rambling much here either since I don't really know what to talk about (well not really know, but its like I totally forgot what to write by the time I was free to write this) but I'll try to write something related to the blog title...

But before I go onto that topic I guess I should probably tell how my October was so far. After months of looking for work at many places, during that first week of October I got a message on Facebook saying that this one company was looking for workers at their workshop, and since I was looking for a job in the automotive industry I didn't even have any second thoughts and tried to apply and see what happens. Funny thing is, I actually knew the workshop and even the owner! (it was a few shops away from my previous workshop that I trained in 2011) But yeah, after having a short talk and discussing regarding the job, I started working the week after. So on the 7th of October I was no longer a NEET and once again I am working. Unlike my 2 other previous jobs this was the one that I already had some previous experience with and its pretty much why I went to college for. Even though I haven't worked on cars for quite a while, but on that week or 2 I pretty much got used to it already. Oh yeah, the name of the place I'm working for is called Kaitenaz Racing and its somewhere in Sunway. Its pretty near my house (although I still have to drive to work, but its only roughly a 5 minute drive from my house) and well, I just feel comfortable working there for some reason. Even if its been 3 years since I last worked around there, and even with many things changing since my training... some things still do indeed stay the same. I don't know why, but I just feel like I belong there for some reason, haha...

Anyhow, I don't wanna jinx this job or anything but hopefully I'll last a bit longer with my current line of work. I seriously need the money and experience, but most of all, I just wanna get my life back together somewhat. Which I guess is now a good time to divert your attention to the title of this blog post. So yeah... why am I "stuck in the mean time" then? Its not exactly a metaphor, however its something which has been bugging me ever since I wrote this blog post here. While writing that I did ponder what my life would be if I just went back in time and decided to do things differently back then. What if some of the things that happen in my life... didn't happen at all? But as much as I like to turn back time, its just not humanly possible... heck, it goes against everything about life itself! However, that doesn't mean you can't do all the things in the present like you did back then. As I'm trying to put back together the missing jigsaw puzzle in my life, I'm also starting back to rediscover myself in a way. The things that would make me happy like it was before and extinguish some of my darker times during the past months and years.

I started riding BMX again a few months ago after some random encounters and that urge to do something which I had promised to do for so long (especially after I got my bike stolen when I was still in secondary school) and now that I also got a job as a mechanic around the Sunway workshops my life is slowly coming back together again and hopefully I can move a bit more into that uncertain future of mine. Yes these two things are an important keys to the missing jigsaw puzzle of my life, but puzzle isn't necessarily completed yet. I still have many lingering questions left to answer, and having to settle some other stuff for this year such as my cosplay, DJing, video games and whatnot. (haha, its tough having so many hobbies...) But yeah... I have rekindled one of my old favorite pastimes, I have a job again which its something close to my heart, and I also lost some weight! (went from 105kg to around 85kg currently within 2 months, how is that for a miracle?) Yeah, even with October coming to and end soon I still am looking forward to the next 2 months before the year is over. Hopefully work won't be too stressful and that I can improve and learn even more than what I can do right now, and I can also get some things done before the end of the year... =)

Aaaaaaand I'm just gonna leave this here to end my blog post. I just can't believe they are coming to Malaysia after all these years. Ever since I heard the news that Mew are coming to KL I didn't even gave any second thoughts and got myself a ticket to their gig. Been a fan of them for so long, and to finally see them is almost like a dream come true. I'm definitely gonna cherish every moment that I get to see them perform live this Halloween... =)

These are essentially 2 songs combined into 1, with one playing in normal while another song is played in reverse. As quoted by Bo (or Silas, can't remember lol) "its like going forwards and backwards at the same time" which precisely sums up my life right now.

Finally September is coming to an end. It might have been a long wait, but I guess with all the ups and downs I had to deal with this month, I can finally put it all behind me and concentrate on the next 3 months. October couldn't come any sooner, and November & December are the months that are really important to me to pull everything through. Hopefully I can get a job within the next 2 weeks, otherwise I might be in deep sh*t both financially and planning wise as well. I practically need enough money to scrape my cosplay stuff for Comic Fiesta, and right now I only have enough budget to do 1 costume. However I'll try my best to pull off all the stops and get 2 costumes done in time. Also there is also some other stuff I need to pay up for as well other expenditures so a job is really much needed now, probably more than ever!

Anyhow, I don't wanna rant too much on this post so I guess I'll just keep things short and sweet. Right now I guess I should put the relationship sh*t behind me and just focus on being myself and concentrate on getting a job, as well as my ongoing goal of becoming better at BMX and also lose even more weight than I already have. (losing 15kgs in a month is quite something ya know?) Plus with the cosplay stuff to deal with within November and December I guess I might have my hands busy juggling many things. Work (if I do land a job somewhere), studying Japanese, riding BMX, cosplay, and whatever stuff I will get myself into throughout the remaining part of 2013. At least no one can complain about my life being dull anymore after this...

Also while doing this blog post I managed to found a band called "End Of September" which I have no idea it existed until now. Currently giving them a listen on Spotify and well, its not too bad I guess. Kinda reminds me of Evanescence & Eyes Set To Kill a bit, but its nowhere near hardcore metal stuff with all the growls and sh*t. But its kinda cool listening to something new from time to time... (as if having over 7000 artists/bands to listen to isn't enough!) Here is probably one of their hit songs on Youtube, and you go and decide if its worth listening to or not.

Oh, and I think I'll end this post with this. After riding for the past 2-3 months I finally decided to do something more drastic on my BMX bike and finally replaced the heavy Sunday Bikes hi-ten steel handlebar and fork for these more lightweight and stronger full chromoly Impurity Bike Co parts. I haven't really get to test and abuse them just yet, but I'll find out later tonight if they are worth it. They do make my bike lighter yes, but it also made my wallet lighter as well... xD

To be honest, I never really wanted to write this blog post. But I guess since the month of September is coming to an end soon, I probably got a few more days left to make it count. Also I promised myself to actually do this since last month actually, so I guess I can't back down now that I'm already writing this. Also some might notice this is an "alternate version" of what is basically the same topic and blog title. But I have my reasons why I didn't post the original one up, all will be explained towards the end of this post.

So... what is September Syndrome then? Well... it could probably be about the stock exchange or even about the Usenet phenomenon. But as much as those two topics are related to this blog title, this isn't practically what I wanted to talk about. Nope, this is a more personal September Syndrome. This is probably just me having to deal with the hardship that I had to deal with for over the past month. Sometimes I just wish I slept at the end of August and never wake up until October actually arrives...

But here I am, still awake near towards the end on September having to deal with all the bullsh*t that life throws at me. It has been pretty much a struggle getting my life back together after the relationship fallen apart near the end of August, but at least I somewhat made it. Sure... my life is as messed up as it was back in February, but its only worse now since I'm short on cash and I still have yet to found a job after I quit working at the pub as a DJ. Sometimes I do wonder what if I didn't quit the job and continued working, but then again... I probably won't be here blogging either.

If anyone wondered... what kinda happened after I broke up anyhow? Well, apart from my life being reset to zero again I guess I haven't been doing much to move on, but instead just doing random stuff of interest to pass the time away. Hanging out with family and friends, helping out my mom (mostly), ride bmx and just going online and also occasionally playing video games. Was mostly interested in playing GT5, but there was a week when I played nothing but Valkyria Chronicles from morning to morning for 5-6 days straight haha! After I finished the game which I held back for so long, it was kinda satisfying feeling to help get myself back together. Now I wonder what game I should be playing next. I know GTA V is out now and I do feel like I wanna get one, but I think I might try playing (and finish) GTA IV and Red Dead Redemption on my Xbox 360 first. I've abandoned those games for way too long as well, and I really don't wanna bother with real life and just wanna escape reality, no?

Also besides that, I kinda tried getting a job again after trying to put off for so long. But sadly I never had any luck landing a job yet. So far I already send my resume to several car companies around Glenmarie in Shah Alam, but out of all the places I tried applying I only got 2 responds from there. One was Peugeot which also did an open interview day (when I actually arrived there were already 55 other people who actually was applying a job there too!) on Sunday (which also clashes with a certain someone's birthday party, as well as my brother's birthday) and well, I guess it went okay. Although I did kinda screw up the entire plan that day (especially regarding that one person's birthday party, but she didn't seem to care about me at the time that is a given) but at least I somewhat survive the whole ordeal. Then there was the interview with BMW the following day and well... it was quite an eye opener. After having a lengthy talk with the head of aftersales, he kinda told me to go and chase my dreams instead of applying work there and maybe not handle the pressure of being a technician. Although I do get what he was saying, but since I'm kinda short on cash and support from anyone I was hoping I could at least work and earn the money and miraculously get myself into some sort of racing program. Either way, both companies told me I might get a call within next week or so for a second interview. However if I don't get a reply within the following week I guess I'll try applying elsewhere, heck I might even have to settle working with some smaller workshop in Sunway if I have to. Sure for my qualification I should be getting more pay or whatever, but since its not getting me anywhere I guess I should just apply anywhere where they can accept me and just have to deal with the shitty pay and long working hours. I need to sacrifice myself and my time anyhow, I've been living my life as a NEET for way too long...

Apart from the interviews, another sort of good news was I managed to pass my Japanese level 2 a few weeks back. (some might have noticed it on FB, Instagram and/or Twitter) Since I managed to passed I was thinking if I should continue or probably hold back until I could get a job first, but seems like my parents were keen on seeing me continue and so... with my parent's blessing (and their money) I decided to continue my Japanese class and just last Monday I started my level 3. There were also 2 other classmates that managed to pass so at least I'm not alone in the class with my sensei, haha. At least with this, I can somewhat still have some hope of moving to Japan even though financially wise right now its not really possible. But I think judging from my first class its not gonna be easy. Definitely more difficult than my previous 2 levels. On the upside, if I do managed to master my Japanese within the next year or 2, I can really open up the possibilities of living in Japan as a student (actually I do plan on continuing my studies, but as I'm financially not able to I wanted to work first and build up my experience here before moving there and maybe get a degree or master... if the need arises that is) or even get a job in the automotive industry there. (pretty sure its a lot better compared to here in Malaysia) All things aside, I should not get too carried away on my future and just focus on the present for now. Try my best to get a job somewhere and also do my best to cope up with my Japanese classes.

While the previous 2-3 paragraphs kinda doesn't really seem like I'm sad or unhappy, but as I said... its only for me to past the time. Happiness doesn't really last long in reality, and I can easily just get depressed over something within seconds or minutes after that something happen, and here I go now blabbering about my emo sh*t lol. While it might only been a month, many things did kinda happen to both of us know? I don't know much about her side of the story, but judging from the way she tweets and posts on FB she does seem to do a lot better than me in a way. In a way I do feel kinda glad she is doing a lot better than me, and at least she does seem like she has a sense of purpose in life now. Someone like me will just drag her down and stop her from doing what she really wants to do anyhow, and despite her parents still being the same at least there isn't much drama (as I noticed anyhow) as when I was with her during the past 6 or so months when we were together.

Maybe I'm just a nuisance to her after all? I guess after I did block her on FB/Twitter things started to turn bad between us, and seems like even when I did unblock her things only got worse each time we talked. I don't really know why, but I practically always end up being in an argument with her whenever we talked be it in person, on FB/Twitter or even sms so I guess I kinda gotten the cold shoulder since she started ignoring me some 1-2 weeks ago. Its kinda understandable really, as I don't really wanna talk to her right now either for fear of upsetting her even more. Despite some of the stuff she posts or chat with that certain someone who she loves to be with ever since we broke up pisses me off a lot, but its her choice really and maybe I should try to be more understanding. (I'm kinda bad dealing these kind of things, and I still regard this as my first ever break-up so I can't really tell myself what to do here) Anyhow, its gonna take me a really long time to get over this feeling and I hope with all the stuff I need to focus on now I can get my mind off this whole bullsh*t and get my normal life back together. Also I hope its the same with you too, and with your SPM just around the corner I do hope you don't have other people distracting you. (I clearly am trying my best to do that anyhow, just so you might know)

In the end, it doesn't matter what you wanna say about me or if you wanna erase me from your memories. Do keep in mind that I will never forget you or the times that we were together, but I think I'm losing hope of being with you again as the days, weeks and months passing by. At least you seem happy being with someone else at the moment (even though you kept saying he is just a friend), and you already have plenty of friends both online and in real life to be with so I have less reasons to worry about you. As for me, I'm just gonna stay single for as long as I can and keep chasing my dreams and goals. Also I do have my own family and friends to be there with me, so its not like its gonna be the end of the world for me. (not yet anyhow) I'm not really sure if we'll be able to meet again, and even if we do meet up again I really am not sure how the situation is gonna be then. Will you already be with someone else by then? Will you be come running back to me? Whatever the situation is, I hope neither of us have any bad feelings regarding each other when we do see each other again. Sure I might have caused a lot of problems for you and also some of your friends, and I really do apologize for all the misunderstandings and wrong doings I've done to you and your family and friends. Not sure if you ever regretted being with me, but I sure don't and in fact, I feel really bad for mistreating you during some of those times that we were together. Its gonna be difficult to find someone else to replace you after this, but I'm gonna be pretty damn sure you will be the last Malay girl I'll ever be with if I have to move on. (yes, there might be a small possibility that I might end up with another Malay but I think I already clearly set my mind that I don't wanna be with another Malay after this. Only if a few certain conditions needs to be fulfilled before I can even consider, and even then... its a small likely chance I'll accept her)

Relationships can be tough I guess, but this is all a part and parcel of life for everyone. Sure some might live their lives much easier than others, but at least I did learn a lot along the way that might help be become a better person. Hopefully I can continue on after this and set my priorities on what I really wanna do. So far my short term goal is definitely landing myself a job, lose more weight and try to get myself fit and get better in bmx as well. There might also be a few other smaller short-term goals in mind, but I don't think its worth mentioning here just yet. Oh, and before I end this post soon I'm kinda sure some of you might wanna know why this is an "alternate version" and not the original. The reason why I kept the original post and not post it up is because I just have too much "hate" written in the post and I think it will make the situation look a lot worse than it is now. Not really sure if I'm gonna post it elsewhere or just keep it in my computer, but lets just say that some things are better left unsaid. =)

Anyhow, thanks for reading everyone. It might just be a repeat of some of my previous blog posts but its still no less a blog post regarding my interestingly mundane life. On the bright side at least September is coming to and end soon and I can definitely look forward to next month. With just a quarter of 2013 left many good things can come my way and I will definitely be focused on getting some things done in the next few months! Just gonna end this post here with this video here. It doesn't really mean anything now, but I guess its a bittersweet way to end this post.

Haha, honestly its been a while since I last did a review like this on my blog but I really wanted to do this one since the movie was just too good to pass up writing upon. There is nothing more I like than a good "car" movie, one which actually is based around Formula 1 and has a certain truth to it! There has been a lot of rivalry in F1 over the years, and although the rivalry between James Hunt and Niki Lauda isn't as intense as say, Ayrton Senna and Alain Prost, Rush managed to show everything great about F1 in the 70's. Where the drivers drove like real men, risking their lives race after race, and what happens on and off the track is all about personality and self expression. Its not like today where everything is so well organized and having regulations spoiling the fun.

Anyhow, I don't really wanna go into too much detail regarding F1 or even about the movie but basically the movie is about the heated battle between James Hunt and Niki Lauda during the 1976 season and what they had to deal with throughout the season. There is plenty of action throughout the movie and the racing itself is pretty good too! (its F1, what do you expect?) You're not gonna see some CG overload or one of those cheesy scenes like in Fast & Furious, oh no... this is all pure balls out racing and nothing else. Also there is nothing sweeter than the sound of a Formula 1 engine either, haha. So the story itself is pretty good, the characters are also portrayed very well to their real life counterpart (Chris Hemsworth as James Hunt & Daniel Brühl as Niki Lauda respectively) and the soundtrack (done no less by the ever talented Hans Zimmer) and you already have a recipe for a really good movie. I would gladly say this is probably one of the movies to watch this year and I won't be too surprised if this movie won an award or two.

While watching this movie throughout, I can say I feel very satisfied watching this. All sorts of emotions just went through me and at the end I just felt very inspired. This movie will teach you a lot regarding how dangerous motorsport really is and what it takes to become a racing driver, and that you really need to have the balls in order to take a car such as those F1 cars in the 70's and push it way past the limits. Somehow I wished I could be a racing driver back then and even be in their shoes for a bit. Its dangerous, but as quoted by the late James Hunt; "The closer you are to death, the more alive you feel" and I think this the more reason why I wanted to become a racing driver. Sure things today might have been more safer and restricted, but it doesn't make it any less dangerous! (as proven by the passing of the late Allan Simonsen at Le Mans last June) So yeah... I'd rather risk my life as a racing driver than to live a boring and mundane life like everyone else. (but I guess I'll save that for another blog post in the future)

Overall... what do I think about the movie? I'd say its fabulous and totally worth watching. Sure it might not be for everyone, but you can still appreciate all the effort they put into making this movie and judging by the reviews, its been praised quite well actually. So yeah... its not a matter of if you like cars or F1 or even racing in general, (it helps a lot if you're into it though, lol) but once you've watched this then you know what was so great about F1 or pretty much anything motorsport related things were back then (and maybe to a certain point, even today) and who knows... maybe I'll inspire you to break your boring habits and try to do something adventurous for once?

I'll probably give this movie an 8 out of 10, maybe even an 8.5 if I'm cheeky. Only thing why I can't give it a full 9 or even a 10 is only because I feel like the movie is a bit too fast (to me anyhow) and somehow during the time I watched at the cinema they had way too many parts being cut out. (there are other reasons too, but its not worth pointing out) I guess I'll have to wait until the blu-ray release to be out so I can enjoy watching this again. =P

So really... who am I?
I'm not the person who I used to be.
Then what kind of person was I?
For all I know, I am not me.

So where did it all go wrong?
Does changing or remaining the same come at a cost?
On the outside I might look normal and strong,
But deep inside, I'm broken down and lost.

I might have many hobbies and personalities,
But as many "me" as there is, I'm still one person.
As much as I don't like dealing with problems and responsibilities,
I still have to carry on living my life, and for what reason?

They say you could be anything you want.
Quite sadly though, nothing is easy as it seems.
The reality is, my dreams are only dreams... nothing different.
Like a fictional story, being published by the reams.

If I could find the old me somewhere within myself,
I would tell him to wake up and help my current self.
If knowledge is like a book, then life is like a bookshelf.
I could go back in time to live my old life, then again... I'm not an elf.

To be in the present, finding my past to move on to the future,
Then what do I do if I managed to found myself from long ago?
Would I dither about moving forward into an imminent world which is obscure?
I don't know... only time will tell if its worth a go.

"Will the real Muzaffar Musa, please stand up" is what I always wonder,
And I wonder... when will the real Muzaffar Musa revive back to his former identity?
Many people might know me for many things, some more than others... I ponder.
I think no one knows the real me, me included. In darkness, with no electricity.

Back to the question of my origin, regarding yours truly.
Am I really am still the same person today?
Its hard to imagine, but I can't answer it truthfully.
Because I might not be the same person in another day.

12 years has passed so fast huh? Pretty sure most people won't even remember the significance of this day today, but for those who remembered... or worse still, who was severely affected by this tragic event then they will absolutely know what today is all about. Yeah... its quite a taboo topic to discuss about regardless of who you are or where you're from, but its also important to remember that this time 12 years ago, it was an event that shook the world and changed the course of history forever...

There might have been plenty of controversies (and even some might say, conspiracy theories) around the 9/11 attack, but it will always mark the day when many innocent lives were taken away as well as the start of the middle eastern war which is still ongoing even until today. Yup, just this one event turned the whole world into chaos. Many other related events might have happened after that day and throughout the years, but this has always been the catalyst for the many things that has happened right now that we never realized. But I don't really wanna go deep into this topic for fear of offending many people, but its a part of history that all of us should probably remember and honor.

Seems like yesterday when I was at home doing my own thing (was playing video games on my PS1 I think?) then suddenly my mom was asking me to go inside her room to watch the news on CNN regarding the airplane that crashed into the World Trade Center, with another plane crashing into the other WTC building later as well as the Pentagon in a similar time. I was only 10 years old at the time and was still in primary school, and yet I could clearly see all the carnage and chaos that happened on TV. Especially the part when the 2 towers collapse in such a mannerly fashion as if it was planned to fall down that way. Kinda remembered how it was even a hot topic at school with all my classmates, the other students and even teachers were talking about it. That next few weeks you could say everyone was glued to the TV or internet trying to keep up with the news regarding the attack and what Osama bin Laden's next move was. Its just unbelievable how everything like that happened back then and almost had the whole world standing still. But of course, because of that almost every country had to be on high alert for "terrorists" and also made any Muslims difficult to travel anywhere, especially the United States.

Time is a funny thing ya know? Regardless of what is going out around us, time just keeps moving on... and before we know it, years just passed by in a blink of an eye. At times I feel like I've been left behind by time, and yet... time could also slow down when you least want it to. Doesn't matter I guess... it might be 9/11 today, but tomorrow is gonna be just another day for everyone else and continue going to school or work or whatever that people do with their lives. As for me, I don't really have a plan to do anything, but I guess I should move on and do something too.

These articles might be of some interest too regarding today:
Five Things to Know for Your New Day - Wednesday, September 11
On September 11, I have a question for Tony Blair
Firefighters remember September 11
Sept 11: Twelve years on, Americans still remember
September 11, 2013: Americans Plan Solemn Ceremonies Commemorating 9/11 Attacks
September 11 anniversary: ceremonies in New York, Pennsylvania and at the Pentagon

Yeah, kinda sad isn't it? Even though I've been following drifting for pretty much a long time, but after all these years this is probably the first time I actually made an effort to attend an actual drift event! Although the event just happened last week on Sunday, but the memories are here to stay with me for the weeks and months to come... and maybe even until the next Formula Drift event in Malaysia! Anyhow, I don't know if I wanna give the full detail of the event or just a short summary, but I'll try my best to explain the event from my personal point of view.

So the day started off with me knowing about the event a week before the actual event started and since I had no other events clashing with FD I gave some thoughts if I wanted to go or not. Back then I was still 50-50 whether or not if I will be going. But then on that Saturday before the event I just got the nod from my parents saying there wasn't anything to do so I went and bought the ticket just a day before the actual event started lol. So I bought the ticket, got my stuff prepare and earlier that morning on Sunday I went ahead and went to Formula Drift Malaysia at Speed City KL! (and yes, this is also the first time I've been to SCKL after years of having to postpone my visit lol) The drive from my place to Speed City KL took about 15-20 minutes by car while driving through the Shah Alam Highway, but its also quite expensive as you have to pay RM2 for the toll... twice! (and that makes it RM8 for the whole trip to and from) But once I reach there I didn't care much about the toll or even the parking (which was RM5 for the whole day, not bad I guess) but I was really looking forward to seeing the whole event. Even when I was outside the gate I could already hear the cars drifting, the screeching tires and the smell of burnt rubber lol.

So after parking my car and meeting up with my friend there, we queued up to enter the place but sadly they had a policy of no food or drinks allowed in the event. Even a bottle of water wasn't allowed which was kinda sad really... as the expect us to pay for the food and drinks inside, which was a bit ridiculously expensive. (for us locals anyhow) But apart from that, I didn't really have any problems entering, and as soon as we were inside the event area I quickly took out my sister's camera and started shooting nearly every car and booth I see lol. While I just did the normal photo taking like everyone else, my friend did it a bit differently and used his (and mine which I borrowed him) nendoroids to take photos of the cars and drivers. Meh, I didn't care much for it but he did get a lot of weird looks doing it haha. But yeah, it was kinda cool to see some of those cars up close as well as taking photos with the drivers who I admire since way back ago, especially Fredric Aasbo (pic above), Masao Suenaga, Daigo Saito, Daijiro Yoshihara and a few others.

Also met a few friends I've made back when I was doing training and internship back in college as well as a few other friends throughout the day as the event went along. Before I know it, it was already noon and the qualifying was long over. There was also a small concert during the event but I didn't take much notice of it. However I did remember there being an autograph session later that afternoon, and I managed to catch the queue very early on lol. When it was already like 1pm I think the queue was almost all the way to the back of the area and near the exit lol. Glad I got quite a lot of autographs and free goods that day, I mean... its totally worth more than the ticket I actually pay for! Gotta say the drivers in Formula Drift are some of the kindest and down-to-earth people I've gotten to see up close and personal with. You just can't beat the hospitality that Formula Drift provides, and its kinda easy to see why a lot of people love going to these events year after year.

After that me and my friend decided to go out for a bit to catch a break and find somewhere less hot to sit down and talk a bit, and then I decided to head out a bit to find some place to get cheaper food and drinks while also finding a place to do my Zohor prayers. After we did all that we managed to get back before the main top 16 event started, and we headed back in. The weather did look like it was gonna be pouring anytime soon, but thankfully that happen latter on during the event. (more on that later) But after the national anthem was played and the top 16 introduction was over it was time for the actual battle to begin. Now I'm not really gonna go over every detail regarding all the battles, but I was kinda shocked to see both Daigo and Aasbo being knocked out in the top 16. Also kinda sad to see Djan having to settle with 4th place after an almost flawless run throughout the day. But the biggest surprise was seeing this one Thai driver called "S" (yes, that is his name lol. Okay, but not his real name obviously) driving the Westlake S13 to the win against Tom Monkhouse in his newly bought (or borrowed, can't really remember) JZX110 Toyota Verossa, which was previously owned by an ex D1GP driver who was driving for T&E Vertex. (can't remember the name of the driver, but I kept mistaking it for Tohru Inose for some reason when clearly it was not! But yeah... still very knowledgeable in the drifting world even though I don't keep up as much as before) I could clearly tell it was an ex-D1GP car just by the livery and body kit lol. (apparently the team didn't change the livery or color and just added an Archilles sticker for sponsoring sake)

Anyhow, after the main event and podium celebration was over I was hoping I could see the team battle go on, but after 2 teams just went out it started raining heavily and the competition had to be cancelled and before we know it the event was over while the rain kept continuously pouring and the whole area was flooded lol. Then I also got to take a few more pictures with a few more drivers, waited for a bit and even chatted with a driver or two while waiting for the rain to stop. When it finally stopped I clearly noticed a lot of people already went back, but I still had one more thing to do before I could go home happily, and that was meeting up with Larry Chen of Speedhunters fame. I managed to meet up with him earlier that day and he even gave me a few "official" Speedhunters sticker, but I still wanted to meet up with him, take a picture and maybe even have a small chat with him. So when the chance arrived, I managed to do all that and then some! Haha... my small dream of meeting up with a Speedhunter crew was finally fulfilled but now I guess I should aim for something a bit more bigger. I might have been "featured" in an article or two but I think I still haven't made any major contributions to that website just yet. But good to know I'm still following that website after all these years... =)

Well I guess that should be enough talk about the event. I managed to do what I want, I got more than what I bargained for and I definitely went home with a happy face with having to deal with personal issues for that whole week. I will definitely look forward to the next Formula Drift event, and who knows... maybe one day I can be competing in the event myself against my heroes too. ^_^

Anyhow, if anyone else wants to see some of the photos me and my friend took or interested to know about the results or the event in even more detail, you can check the links below:
My gallery (Facebook)
My friend's gallery (Facebook)
Mat Canyon's gallery (Facebook)
Coverage from Larry Chen on Speedhunters
Formula Drift Asia coverage
Zerotohundred coverage

Actually I think Miku is actually 22, but I guess its been 6 years since she's around I guess? But yeah... she will always be the only waifu I'll ever want. Although I might have more interest in Kaname Madoka (from Madoka Magica) these days, well... I still love Miku even more! (and hey, since I can do polygamy, having more than one waifu doesn't hurt lol) Yeah... a complete contract to my previous blog post, but just think of this as a comic relief post or something. Oh, and also happy independence day Malaysia. Hope I can leave this f*cking country and celebrate some other country's national day instead lol. (like Japan for example)

Oh, and today also marks my sister's 36th birthday. Gonna celebrate with the family later today I guess... *sigh*

Whenever there is a start to a ride, there will also be and end to the ride as well, through ups and downs, lefts and rights, loops and corkscrews, after all that is said and done, the ride will stop and that is that. Just can't believe my ride ended as soon as it just began. Its barely even the seventh month into our relationship and somehow the world just came crashing down on both of us. Sadly its not the way that we wanted to end, but with her parents being what they are, and having her really important exam in a few months time, I guess there isn't any other choice.

*sigh*

Even though I've said all that (actually I promised her not to blog about this, but I feel even worse keeping this to myself! Plus she is not really helping my situation at all...) but I still feel kinda two-sided about it. One part of me is kinda glad that I get to spend all the good times together when we could and I really appreciate and cherish every moment that we were together, and yet another part of me says I still wanna continue this relationship after she finishes her SPM and just pray that the parents will give me a second chance to be with her. Honestly, I don't know what to say about myself right now really. Because of this stupid situation that I'm in I haven't really been myself lately. Almost everything that I do no longer have a purpose. Its gonna take time for me to recover from this, be it months... or even years for that matter if neither of us can accept the situation.

This is probably the first time that I was deeply involved in any relationship honestly (what happened before was not even a real relationship, and that was almost many years ago) and I have a deep gut feeling that she might be the one for me. I don't know why, but somehow after everything that we've been through and she was really patient in dealing with the problems. Plus, she would accept me for everything that I was even when she occasionally disagrees with what I do. After having to deal with so many dramas for the past few months, this one will probably hurt me the most. I can't accept the situation, not in this unforgiving way anyhow. Sure I know I could just leave her alone and let her do what she wants, but at the same time I don't want to see her suffer like she does with her family right now either. Only god knows what is gonna happen to us, and I for one just wish I could have some hints on where we are going with our lives.

Okay, up to this point I don't really know what to write anymore as my brain constantly thinks of something different to write, so in a way I'm just writing whatever is coming into my mind right now. It will not make any sense I know, but it will make me better somewhat... so yeah, screw logic! Anyway, in my current situation now I guess I am single in a way. (well, maybe I was single all my life and that this relationship was a fake, who knows?) But I don't feel like I wanna move on just yet and sometimes I just feel like I don't deserve to be with anyone... at all. If she is not the one for me, then what are the chance of finding others that want to accept me? Who the f*ck wants a crazy, emo, fat, retarded, ugly, and a sad excuse to even exists on this planet kind of guy when even a person like her was forced to reject me? You know what... I think I'm better of being single until I die, or even get a sex change so I don't have to deal with being a guy anymore. (okay, maybe that was all bullshit, but like I said... I'm writing whatever that is in my mind right now. Pouring all my energy, emotions and thoughts into this bloody post!)

As much I would love to write more, but I don't think my brain is cooperating with me anymore right now. Some stuff are still jammed behind my cranium somewhere and it doesn't want to come out. So I'm just gonna end this rant with this last paragraph. For now, I'll just try my best and be patient and see what happens. Hopefully I can get a job soon and focus on that instead of being too attached to her, and as much as she wants us to break-up I will still have feeling for her until the right person comes into my life (if god is willing to do that anyhow) but as some might now, I am extremely choosy if I can't get the right person though. But as there is no one for me right now, I will keep my arms open for her to come back when all her problems have been settled. The truth is, she doesn't want it to be this way either as far as I know. But I just hope she can still keep her options open for me after SPM perhaps. I definitely won't be angry if she decides to move on and find someone else after she finishes school or whatever. (lies, I can't even say that with a straight face) BUt whatever the case is, this only happened a few days ago so anything might happen within the coming months!

For all I know, she has her family and studies to deal with right now. Having me around will just make everything worse, and even from yesterday I just find it hard talking to her thinking it would just things worse, but I broke that promise when I WhatsApp her earlier. *sigh* I don't know, maybe its not her that is having a problem, but me. I think its time I should go and see a psychiatrist somewhere. I know I've said it many times before and it never happened... (and still might not happen even after I post this) but I keep having more and more reasons to hurt or even kill myself now. I get too depressed easily and seems like nothing would cheer me up, except pain and/or death! Okay... too much information here, and I think this whole post is rubbish. If you wasted your time reading this, I thank you for doing so. If not, then just move on and let me talk to myself and heal from this agonizing wound...

well... it too quite a while, but after several "trial" layouts and a severe case of slacking off, I finally decided to finish off the blog design today. Okay... well, almost finished anyhow, I still have a few more things to fixed but they aren't as important as the main page itself. At least the layout-wise its complete I guess, and might only need a few changes here and there. Honestly, its been years since I updated the look of my blog and I think the current one seems "too simple" for me, but I guess making it all complicated won't make any difference lol.

Well... not planning to say much in this post as originally planned due to time constraint, that and I don't really feel like its time to go all out on my "emotional expression" posts like how I did in the previous post yesterday just yet. However I just feel like saying a few words here regarding yesterday's post and how I'm feeling right now. I know the thing with me (my nickname is Panda btw, given to me by Mochi), Mochi and Aniki wasn't really intentional, and I somehow felt that everything that I wrote just made things a bit more worse. But then I can't really have it any other way...

Just to keep it short, I'm still trying to settle down after all the drama that has happened in the past few days. But somehow I never realized that Aniki was the one who suffered the most today. Having to deal with everything that has happened, things only got worse for him which none of us expected. (not gonna mention why, but lets just say its a double whammy in terms of damage) I know I kept saying I didn't really mean to hurt his feelings or even stop our friendship, but it was still difficult for him to accept the circumstances. Even when Mochi, Vien and a few other friends tried to cheer him up and give some advices, I just felt like most of the help was for nothing. But yeah... when something as shocking as this happens to you its gonna take time to recover. Just like when a natural disaster hits a city and how it takes time to rebuild everything for life to go normal again, its the same thing with our hearts.

As I already mention in my previous post, I do have a really weak and fragile heart and I do get hurt really easily inside. I don't really know why but I've been like this nearly throughout my life and the cure for it is just damn near impossible. As a kid I used to be extremely quiet and shy, and my parents even said at one point I was actually deaf or have some sort of disability. (its no joke, you can ask my parents if you do ever get to talk to them) Over time I guess I kinda got over being an introvert (for a lack of words) but over time my heart also became more two sided. Despite having more endurance to deal with all the emotional pain, but at the same time when the limit has been reached it also apparently became more painful to bear. This is why I sometimes I prefer to get emotional more often just to lessen the burden on my heart. I don't know if I'm just talking crap here, but that is just how I feel about myself. I am now who you think I am.

But anyhow, just gonna stop this here for now before I get into more details regarding my "emoness" on another post sometime in the future. The point being, I just wanna let all my feelings go and start afresh with no conscience disturbing my everyday routine or how I would react to other people online or in person. So yeah... I just hope whatever happens in the past few days would serve as a lesson for everyone including myself. Things in life could never be perfect without anything unfortunate happening, and none of us will learn anything unless something drastic happens. I'm sure me and Mochi will still be together regardless of what happens and I really do hope I can be with her for even longer than the 6 months that we have been together so far. May Allah bless both of us and let us both be together for as long as we can still live to see each other. =)

(sorry for not updating the blog for the past month or 2 and sorry for the layout still not being completed, just ignore the "pinkyness" of this blog until I can find a good blog layout)

First of all, sorry if this post is gonna cause a lot (or at least the one who I'm aiming this post at) of people to hate me or whatever after I post this, but I really really want to clear out my brains, emotions, guilt and thoughts on this one post. So yeah... I'm sorry if this is gonna hurt you Mochi and Aniki, but I just need to do this...

Anyhow, to start this post off I just want to say that even as I typed this I still do not fully know what happened between the afternoon that Mochi and Aniki left my house on the 12th of August 2013 until the night when this post was created. So far I think I got most of the story out from both of them, but whatever that they left out is just between them and I have nothing to do with it nor do I even want to know what happened. So the story just goes like this... after seeing how everyone was in the "hari raya" mood, me and Mochi (this is not her real name btw, but if you see me and her on Twitter really often you will know who she is) had been discussing about having raya at each other's house after the fasting month is over and when both of us have done visiting our relatives on both side of the family. (both sides meaning our mom and dad respectively) Not sure if visiting our relatives on this festive occasion is the same culture elsewhere, but in Malaysia we normally visit our relatives only after Hari Raya Aidilfitri (or Eid-ul Fitr for you English speaking folks). In fact, for some... its probably to only excuse to visit a relative when during the other days are too busy or when none of the families are all together. Honestly, I only visit my dad's relatives (which is in Muar, Johor) only probably twice a year or even once depending on how busy my and my parents are. Although we do visit them for other occasions as well (someone in our relatives passed away, wedding, etc.).

But enough about my family or relatives, I really wanna talk more about the open house I did for Mochi and very few other friends that I invited on that day. Then you might ask... why very few? For one I actually plan to only invite Mochi (because well, I wanted to see her so much and we did promise) and Aniki (oh yeah, its not his real name too and you can also find him on Twitter btw. Call him Aniki since he is older than me and Mochi) because they wanted to come over so badly. I didn't mind Mochi coming since well, she is my girlfriend and all (and that I love her and do anything to be with her when there is time) but to be honest, I didn't really wanted to invite Aniki over because it would feel really awkward. I might only know him for a few months, and he was a nice guy and all online and in person, but I just don't feel really comfortable with him around. But since he did help me and Mochi a lot (and since he keeps asking about the open house) I thought "hey, why not?". Also seems like Mochi wanted to see Aniki as well and wanted us all to be together and stuff. But knowing how awkward it would be just the 3 off us at my house (and with my mom obviously) I took it upon myself to get a few more others to come as well. After asking about on Twitter (I didn't ask my friends on Facebook since I didn't really want a lot of people to come. More people also means more stuff to prepare and just more inconvenience) I got like... 3 more people to come over. So altogether, only 5 people came to my house to raya that day. Although actually only 4 were together at the time as one more friend came a bit late... (well, I could describe what we did as well but that would probably be out of topic and well... its not really that interesting lol)

Now, to put my feelings on what actually happen during that day...


I didn't really agree for Mochi to be riding a motorcycle with Aniki, so I tried to convince Aniki to pick her up in a car. It was only an option since I might have to send my car for repairs on that day... which didn't happen since my dad said he had to go to work and he didn't really have time to accompany me to the workshop. Even during the morning of the day that both of them would eventually arrive at my place to beraya at my house (they were actually the first to arrive fyi), I did ask if Mochi wanted me to pick her up since my car is still available, however she said she didn't want to trouble me and still wanted Aniki to pick her up. As I was also busy preparing stuff at home I just agreed. Little did I know when she left her house she didn't really tell her mom about Aniki picking him up. I only knew about it when Mochi's mom called me asking where she was when they were halfway through their journey. To make things worse she didn't even pick up her phone at the time. (but I only realized why when they arrived) While I was talking with Mochi's mom I tried my best to answer her questions and only said things in general (I didn't mention Aniki's name in respect) and I told her what Mochi was planning to do during the day. She then told me that Mochi wanted to go to Mid Valley or something, but I said I didn't knew anything about it. (actually I think she mixed up with the news that Mochi wanted to see Tofu at Mid Valley, which sadly got cancelled because Tofu got grounded. Again, this is not gonna be explained in detail as its a whole another topic, a topic I barely even know about at least.) At first I didn't think she is gonna get into any trouble or anything since all her intentions were real and I knew Aniki would really be taking care of her. But when they arrive I saw them riding a motorcycle to my surprise.

When they arrived Aniki told me that he had to go back to his place first to switch to his motorcycle as his sister wanted to use the car. Also because they wanted to get to my place on time they "quickly" got onto the motorcycle and head to my place. Kinda felt sorry for Mochi as she had to ride the motorcycle in her baju kurung, which even for her was really uncomfortable. (she later told me that other people on the road kept staring at her and Aniki on his bike) If Mochi wore her more normal clothes (like she did when she went back with Aniki after the open house) I guess that won't be so bad... but still, it feels uncomfortable to see your girlfriend riding a motorcycle with another guy, even if that guy was your friend and you could trust him taking care of your girl. I know that Mochi loves motorcycles and that she still tries to get a chance riding a bike any way possible, but I wish she would realize the situation before the actual situation happened. I mean... if its her neighbors or her relatives I guess its more understandable, but a friend? An older male friend at that. Dammit, if I had a motorcycle license and a motorcycle I would have picked her up too. Heck, I should have just picked her up in my car regardless of what she or Aniki says! But I guess I shouldn't get too carried away with that topic, but honestly... who wouldn't be worried? Or even jealous for that matter...

So we did end up eating some of the noodles that my mom cooked and ate the kuih raya and stuff, and when 2 of my other friends arrived we did some chit-chatting and joked around until it was eventually time for them to go home. Mochi and Aniki went home along with one my friend in her car, but one more friend decided to stay back a bit to wait for my last friend to arrive. (again, skipping this story) A few hours later I got a message from Aniki saying that he had arrived home, and as a worrying boyfriend would do, I asked if he did anything between my house and the trip back to Mochi's place. He then told me that he just dropped Mochi at a friend's place to raya or something. At least when I heard that I was kinda relieved that Mochi made it back safely, and while I was busy entertaining my remaining guests and even send that last friend home (his dad sent him to my house, which was also why he was late) as he had no transport back. After I got back home after sending him back I tried to backtrack all my Twitter and Facebook updates to see what Mochi was doing, then I realized something was not right. Some of her tweets had a sense of sadness to it, and seeing her Instagram photos just made my blood boil a bit. For some reason neither Mochi or Aniki mention to me about them hanging out together for a bit longer after they left my house. Aniki bought her some cupcakes and drinks at Wondermilk in Citta Mall and they stayed at his family's house for a bit before sending her home. Anyhow, I decided to be a bit dumb about and just ignore the situation... somewhat.

Then I decided to be a dumbass and got all jelly and shit when I heard that Mochi got scolded by her parents (mostly Mochi's mom anyhow) because of going out with Aniki without telling her. She end up saying that Mochi was cheating on me and stuff, and that was that. She got her phone taken away and she couldn't go online that night... or so that was what I thought. Then because of me being all emotional and stuff I decided to tweet "bad" stuff about her and somehow a few other friends decided to join in as well. Rubbing more salt into her wounds, and Aniki started feeling bad about what happened to Mochi later that night. As I was out playing BMX around that night, I also kinda messaged Mochi asking what happened but she didn't seem like she wanted to talk about it, and then suddenly she SMS'd me some words and as I tried to reply back (and kept saying sorry for what I did) she just replied back to me with very few words. (it was only one word to reply back my almost 140 letter SMSs). Knowing she was upset I did the right thing by wishing her goodnight and left her alone.

Then the next morning (on the 13th of August, 2013) I woke up kinda early (for my standards at least, it was around 10pm or so) after having my sahur and slept at 4am (decided to start my puasa 6) and went online to see if she was online or anything. Then after a few minutes later checking on Twitter, I saw Aniki tweeting about Mochi being kicked out of the house. Knowing what happened I asked Aniki what happened, and the only thing he told me was to go and call her... and so I did. She didn't pick up the phone the first time, but thankfully the second time I called her she picked up the phone and answered. I did ask a few things that happened and she replied very softly and short, saying she was in tuition. I asked if it was okay to call her and she said it was okay, but I decided I'd just keep it short and hang up and continued messaging her. At the same time I also Tweeted about the situation and replied to Aniki and a few others regarding the situation. Knowing she got kicked out I already knew what the situation was like... since well, I had the deal with the same situation before as I was the one who got her kicked out the last time out. (well, indirectly involved anyhow) I really couldn't do anything at the time and the only thing I could do is call her mom and apologized about that incident. I pretty much cried my heart out asking her to forgive both me and Mochi, and after that incident I guess I kinda somewhat gain her parent's trust on me in a way. So if anything happens to Mochi, I will be the one who will have to be responsible for it.

But then what really pissed me off was that... how did Aniki knew about Mochi being kicked out while I knew nothing about it? I swear I wouldn't even know Mochi got kicked out if Aniki hadn't mentioned about it. I tried replying back to Mochi several times asking where she was going after tuition and she said she didn't know, and yet... Aniki told me on Twitter that she was going back home after that. After that I think I finally snapped and raged at the both of them. I asked nicely what was going on with Mochi and she was avoiding the questions, and yet Aniki knew about it more than I did. So I did what my emotions told me to do and Tweeted what made both Aniki and Mochi realized I finally reached my limit. My heart couldn't take it anymore... I just feel like I wanted to run away or even kill myself or something. After I Tweeted that I kinda started talking negatively to Aniki sadly, and somewhat made him feel even more guilty for what happened to Mochi, while Mochi tried Tweeting back with replies which I just wanted to ignore. But then after Mochi told (almost) everything about what happened, it turns out it was just a misunderstanding. But when she messaged me all that, I was actually out buying stuff for my mom. I only read that message when I got back (left my phone charging) but then I decided not to reply back as I felt it would make things worse. I had this habit of not talking to anyone when I'm upset... but somehow a few minutes after I came back I heard my house phone ringing and my instinct told me it was Mochi calling. I could've just ignored the call and let my mom pick it up instead, but I knew the situation was meant for me to talk to her about everything thoroughly. (And besides, I'm probably nearest to the phone and my mom usually will always ask me to pick up the phone anyhow) She then talked to me a bit and asked why I didn't reply back to her messages and asked if I was ok and whatnot, and likewise all I could do is just say sorry for everything that I did and gotten upset over some of the stuff she did or say...

And then I heard silence in the phone... followed by some crying from Mochi. Somehow I didn't really know what to do much other than just hear her cry. I wish I could be there to hug and comfort her but I just impossibly cant'! But it wasn't really a long phone call, but it was enough for us to settle our differences and misunderstandings and both of us calmed down and forgive each other. Also gave her some advice and "words of encouragements" (well, I guess it is) and hopefully she can learn her lesson about going out next time. We then proceeded to talk a bit online and even starting to feel happy a bit, but then I realize Aniki wasn't really in the mood anymore. After I told him off that morning, he just didn't see Mochi the same anymore. I mean... I just feel sorry for him, but sadly I can't do much to help him either. I did eventually apologize later but he didn't seem to take it really honestly. I don't know what feelings he has for Mochi (apart from him treating Mochi like his own "little sister") but I'm pretty sure he has gotten a bit too close to Mochi for me to be really okay with it. There are some things which I'm okay with, but then there are just some things which totally pisses me off. I can't tell what is what right now, but just to let you know... I feel more hurt when I don't know anything only to find it out in the most unexpected and unwelcoming way. But the thing is, I'm not the kind of person who wants to beat up any guy that goes near my girlfriend... and likewise, I don't even mind if they want to talk to her. Be smart and choose your topics wisely, and Mochi should know how fragile I am in these kind of situations. I might look big and tough and well on the outside, but inside me is nothing more but kid never wanting to deal with all the imperfection the world has to throw at me. If one thing doesn't even go my way, I'd get really sad or upset really fast. But yeah... I'll keep that for a separate blog post maybe later. How later? Well... that is for me to decide...

Okay, I guess I'll end this blog post here for now. I might not have said everything that I wanted nor if I managed to tell the story as truthfully as I wanted or as accurately as what Mochi or Aniki might know, but this is all coming from me, my brain, my heart and my soul. I'm writing this as how I feel and thought like it. So with that I'm just gonna move along and hopefully feel slightly better about it. Although it might take time for my wounds to heal, but it might take even a longer time for everything to go back normal, if... even at all. Just hope I don't offend too many people about it, and I hope I don't mind sharing this with everyone... >_<